As a Russian immigrant who arrived in the U.S. at age 10, I didn’t grow up with Girl Scouts. I did not know what a Thin Mint was until well into adulthood. So when my oldest was in kindergarten, and another mom asked whether she wanted to join a troop, I said yes, mostly out of curiosity — and out of a desire not to miss a piece of Americana.

Six years later, Girl Scouts has become a defining part of our family rhythm. I now lead my younger daughter’s troop and serve as a Service Unit Manager, supporting other troop leaders in our area. I do this because I have learned that:

Girl Scouts isn’t just about badges or cookies. It’s an early, accessible, community-powered leadership lab for girls. Michelle Obama agrees:

Especially immigrant parents often ask me: What do you like about Girl Scouts? Why should I sign my daughter up? And does she really have to sell cookies?

1. Helping Girls Find Their Voice, Confidence and a Sense of Belonging

Leadership begins with voice: knowing you have one, practicing using it, and trusting that it matters.

Girl Scouts creates intentional moments for this:

– A shy girl learning to greet a customer at a cookie booth

– A group of 8-year-olds negotiating who sleeps on which bunk at camp

– A 12-year-old stepping up to facilitate a game for younger girls

These are small, low-stakes interactions, but they accumulate. A troop of same-age girls creates belonging, and an additional circle of friends outside school gives kids a safe space to try on new versions of themselves.

A recent survey found that only 34% of elementary, 45% of middle school, and 42% of high school students report feeling a sense of belonging at school — meaning more than half of students do not feel connected or “at home” in their school community.

One of my favorite parts is the built-in mentorship pipeline. Younger girls look up to older Scouts who help lead meetings; older girls become counselors, program assistants, and role models. Watching a group of 6-year-olds hang on to every word of a 14-year-old facilitator tells you everything about what leadership feels like to a teenager: empowering, respected, and confidence-building.

For many girls, this is their first experience practicing influence — the heart of leadership — without adult pressure or performance expectations.

2. Learning Outdoor Skills and Building Independence

Camps, archery, fire building, climbing walls, knife safety — Girl Scouts offers a unique blend of outdoor skills that many girls simply don’t encounter elsewhere.

My girls have done both day camps and overnights, and the skill-building is noticeable, especially when they are more comfortable with these opportunities in school situations later. My kids have come back a little bit braver, more curious, more capable, and independent each time.

There is something powerful about a girl realizing, “I can do hard things. I can take care of myself. I can try something new.”

As a troop leader, it is an honor to witness, and as a leadership and executive coach, I see these moments as formative for future leaders because they have to first and foremost believe in themselves.

3. A Built-In Culture of Service and Contribution

Every troop I’ve encountered weaves community service into its year: donating cookie proceeds to a food bank, caroling at senior homes, writing cards for the military, organizing drives.

At its core, Girl Scouts teaches:

Leadership is not about authority; it’s about responsibility and impact.

As girls grow older, service awards become more structured (Bronze, Silver, Gold), and these can make a meaningful difference in high school and beyond. But even at age 8 or 9, the idea that my actions can help others is deeply grounding.

My troop of 3rd graders has sung carols at Senior Living facilities, donated food, toured food banks, packed snacks for kids facing food insecurity, and more.

FAQs I Hear Most Often — With My Takeaways

What’s the time commitment?

This varies by troop. Ours meets once a month for 90 minutes, plus one monthly outing or service event.

My take: It’s like any extracurricular — you’ll get the most value if your child attends regularly. When Girl Scouts becomes the “optional add-on,” kids miss context and connection, which makes it less fun.

What do parents have to do?

Most troops have two leaders plus supporting roles like treasurer or cookie parent. Families rotate snacks and occasionally chaperone.

My take: It’s far less demanding than a sports team, but still a community effort. Offering to help, even in small ways, goes a long way.

What does it cost?

There’s a $65 annual membership fee (some troops require parents to join as well as troop helpers). Younger troops typically ask parents to chip in for badges, uniforms, and activities ($150–$200/year). As girls get older, they use fundraising (primarily through cookie sales) to pay for their experiences.

My take: Costs decrease over time as girls take more ownership of troop funding.

Do we have to sell cookies?

Short answer: No — but most troops do because it’s the easiest way to finance activities.

In our area, cookie booths run for about three weekends in late February and early March. Of the $6 per box, around 75–90 cents goes directly to the troop; the rest goes to council programming, camp properties, and statewide initiatives.

My take: I was skeptical at first. But I watched my daughter learn how to greet adults confidently, handle rejection gracefully, set a goal, and celebrate progress. The prizes are gimmicky, but the skills are valuable and transferable.

Link to help my 8-year-old meet her goal (she will deliver if you are in the greater Seattle area, but there is also a shipping option or just a straight donation to our military & Northwest Harvest).

How to Join

1. Check your local council’s website (in Washington: GSWW). Finding an open troop can be hit-or-miss.

2. Ask parents at your school or post in a local Facebook/NextDoor group.

3. Start your own troop — truly not as intimidating as it sounds. Councils love helping new troops launch.

Closing Thoughts

Girl Scouts isn’t perfect, and it isn’t for every family. But for many girls, it offers rare and meaningful practice reps in the very skills we want tomorrow’s women leaders to have: confidence, community, service, voice, and independence.

So if you see a girl selling cookies outside a grocery store this month, stop by — even just to say hello. A kind interaction goes further than you think. You are witnessing the earliest steps of a young leader learning to stand tall, make eye contact, speak clearly, and believe in herself.

And that’s something worth supporting.

Establishing this tradition has involved a lot of decisions, tradeoffs, and equipment purchases to ensure it is something the whole family enjoys. Here’s the downlow.

What’s our philosophy?

Young kids don’t always mix well with cold/uncomfortable boots/uncontrolled speed/busy lodges/heavy things to carry. Yes, skiing is a sport - but we prioritized “learning to love skiing” and a positive association with a ski day. We trusted that with more time on the slope, the kids will progress at the right rate - our job was to give them the right structure and importantly do a few things to ensure they are having fun. Here’s a few examples:

• Candy: We always carry chocolate or soft candy (nothing they can choke on) while on the slopes. This is a tradition picked up from my family ski trips when I was young. This bending of the normal rules - candy every time we ski! - was a big motivator to start and helped establish skiing as something special for the family.

• Parents should carry the kids’ skis from the parking lot - for the first year: This is an example of the “progressive disclosure” part of getting kids to enjoy skiing. Some parents seem to take it as a learning moment to force the youngest of kids to carry their own equipment. We got there - but not in the first year. The priority was ensuring the kids had fun, then layer in all the work needed.

• “Fun runs” with parents: Learning is hard work! Yes, practicing linking turns and pizza/french fries is important - but even more important is that run with me where all of us are finding joy like this is a roller coaster.

The key themes: get them hooked first, fill the day with more fun than learning, and trust that over time nothing matters more towards growing a good skier than time on the slopes.

When to start?

Five years old is the ideal age to start skiing in earnest. Any younger and I think the annoyances (temperatures, boot walking, equipment lugging, et cetera) overwhelms. Older is fine too, but five is a great year to ensure its foundational to their concept of winter vs. an add-on. And the older you start, the more likely you are to have other activities on the weekend (birthday parties, other sports, et cetera) that break the routine.

I think it’s great at age 4 to do one or two “test runs.” Pick a sunny day and just get the kids on skis for a half an hour. Even just a run down from the magic carpet between your legs – give them the thrill of moving downhill.

What’s your approach to equipment?

Kids grow fast, so most ski/boots will last a season and a half at most. Seasonal rentals are a good option – although with two kids skiing and the ability to hand down to the younger sister, it’s almost as cost effective for us to buy. We prioritized a good fit - both in boot comfort and length of ski - it makes a big difference, even if it meant a midseason unexpected equipment purchase.

There are a few non-obvious things you may want to acquire:

Ski Backpack & Guide Ropes

This is a must have. First, it has a handle on the back - essential for picking up a small kid once they have fallen. Second, it can function as a pocket for a backup pair of gloves. Third, it has detachable leashes - these are somewhat controversial (takes up a lot of room on the bunny slopes) and we used them sparingly, but it can be a good alternative to between the legs to get the kids comfortable on the snow.

Ski Tip Connector

Attach these to the front of the kid’s skis to help them learn to keep the skis straight. Many instructors will tell you not to use these and that it can develop bad habits. But again, our philosophy is to enhance the “time until fun” stat and these can help kids experience the thrill of a fun downhill run sooner. We phased them out pretty quickly as they moved on to more advanced skills.

Something Distinctive

We found it was very useful to get the kids something to make them stand out and easy to recognize in a crowd. The Crazee Heads Helmet Covers worked for us - plush covering that fits any ski helmet.

Rocky Talkie

The best on-mountain radios are made by Rocky Talkie - and make sure to get the hand mic attachments. Kids both enjoy learning radio protocol and it’s useful in case of separation or a need to ask someone ahead to stop.

There are other radios - especially those with a lot of social media advertising promising hands free magic AI wind noise reduction like Milo Action Communicator - I do not recommend them as they do not work better than a standard handheld mic like cops use.

Seasonal Lockers

Our local ski resort offers a seasonal locker to store onsite our skis and boots. It’s a bit of a luxury, but it makes trips from the parking lot more pleasant - including for parents. And it reduces the stress of finding a great parking spot.

This is especially useful if you plan to sometimes do other things while kids are in classes - like snowshoe or hanging out in the lodge.

Do you enroll the kids in ski school?

We started the first season with a few one-off group classes, graduating in year two to a weekly ski camp. Ski camps are a win for everyone:

• It created a routine and expectation that we’d go every week.

• We got some time on the non-bunny slopes while the kids were in camp.

• Kids learn faster with a non-parent (and frankly, the non-parent is often more willing to push the kid when they need it).

• Kids push themselves when around other kids.

By year four, we began to question the need to enroll in ski camps - kids were close to being able ski on par with parents. Then it’s time to decide whether to graduate to a ski club or racing team.

How do you spend time with the kids on the slopes?

Before the kids are ready to ski independently, we used three methods to practice getting comfortable on the slopes or linking turns:

• Backpack runs: See above for the kid’s harness/backpack, which comes with leashes that extend about 10 ft. Kids ski first, parent do mostly speed control behind them.

• Between the legs: Not easy on the back, but often the most fun for the kids at first. They can get a feel for turns and the snow.

• By the side holding onto a pole: This is the method that feels most like practice/learning. The kid is skiing beside you holding on to one of your poles, which is held vertically. Used to help them link turns together in nice smooth S shapes.

Create Lasting Memories

My iPhone tells me that I’ve taken 563 photos at our local ski resort over the past six years. We’ve established a family tradition that makes the winter - despite the long, dark days - the favorite season for our kids. And we’ve unlocked the ability to take some fun winter trips to ski destinations.

Learn More

“In many ways, September feels like the busiest time of the year: The kids go back to school, work piles up after the summer’s dog days, and Thanksgiving is suddenly upon us.” ~ Brene Brown

👩‍🏫 Clear the deck

I loved Gretchen Rubin’s recommendation to get ready to return to the usual routine after Labor Day, to do a bunch of small tasks to set yourself up. To prepare, I have booked travel with my mom and sister for our trip to Arizona, organized the calendar with kids activities, defined my work structure (Mondays, I do community work, Tue, Wed and Thursday, I work with clients and Fridays, I catch up on my back office), and Adam and I added a fun trip to look forward to for Octoberfest!

✅ Update and Print Morning Check Lists and Breakfast Menu

We started having a morning checklist a couple of years ago. We have a morning checklist that reminds our girls what is expected of them to get ready for the day. I display this laminated list prominently in our kitchen area, keep markers nearby, and every item gets checked off before we leave for school. Throughout the year, we add/remove items as we agree as a family, but this has been a helpful tool to ensure everyone knows what their job is in the morning.

I have also found that having a debate about breakfast daily is not fun, so we have a breakfast menu to reduce decision-making fatigue in the morning and further streamline weekday mornings. We have agreed as a family on the guardrails for each day of the week for breakfast, with built-in nonnegotiables as well as choices throughout the week. I learned this tip from a fellow mom and it worked great last year so we are continuing it on.

🔟 Remember the Pick 10 Rule to keep the house tidy

A while ago, I learned about the “10 Things Rule” renamed in our household to Pick 10. With a busy family of four, the clutter accumulates fast. So now, as a family, we all pick up 10 things during a transition period - for example, between dinner and the next activity, before leaving the house to go on a fun adventure, after arriving home and starting the next thing. 10 is an arbitrary number - sometimes we do 5 or 15. The main point is to not make this time-based but outcome-based.

👏🏻 Clear and Prep the School Work Boards

We have two large cork boards with each of our kids’ names hanging up by our dining table. This is where our girls get to display any work they are proud of from school. Before the start of the school year and the new year, we clear the boards to make them be ready for the upcoming influx of work that will be coming home. The girls get to decide what goes up on the board and what comes off of it when there is not enough space. Things that don’t make it on the board go into the trash.

First day of school traditions

🍦 Ice cream on the first day of school eve

My family had a tradition of getting ice cream before the first day of school to celebrate the upcoming beginning. Adam and I now do this with our girls. It gives us a moment to ask the kids questions about what they are looking forward to as well as to talk through the upcoming morning of the first day of school (reminder of checklists, time to get up, etc.).

🍎 Take the first day of school morning off

When I chose to be a working parent, I promised myself that on days when I really wanted to be present with my kids or fellow moms, I’d make the time at work to do that. The first day of school is one of those days where I crave connection with other parents so I block off half a day for back to school to be able to walk to school with my kids and hang out with fellow moms for a little bit after. After drop off, I take a walk, get a tea/coffee, and get back to work. This pause gives me a moment of intention-setting for the year and grounds me in the two big jobs I have - being a mom and being a professional.

🥗 Our Favorite Dinner Table Questions

As we head back to school, the routine of family dinners is coming, so I am re-reading this blog on our Family Dinner ritual and, specifically, the repertoire of questions to ask to spur conversation:

“How was your day?” gets a bad rap because it’s not specific - it doesn’t inspire creative thought or show curiosity. We’ve had luck with these questions instead:

What’s something that surprised you today?

This is a good intro question, even for younger kids, which tends to force an answer better than “My day was good.”

What made you smile today?

This question hasn’t been successful with our 6-year-old, but it’s been a gem of insights from our 9- 9-year-old that helps remind her of good things that happened. We’ve learned a lot about friends we didn’t even know she had from this question.

What’s something cool that you learned today?

This question gets better over time when kids see how you react to their answers. I’ve noticed that the more curiosity and attention you show to the response, the more interesting the next day’s answer will be.

Wrapping Up

Whether or not you have kids starting school, going back to school or you are just getting ready for the fall, I hope you feel seen. I look forward to this season as much for the return to routine as well as fall decorations, soups, and football games.

Also, here are more of our parenting posts:

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents (Helen and Adam)

• 💪🏻 Brave Parenting: How to show up intentionally with our kids

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life (Helen)

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt (Helen)

• 👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories (Adam)

Establishing this tradition has involved a lot of decisions, tradeoffs, and equipment purchases to ensure it is something the whole family enjoys. Here’s the downlow.

What’s your philosophy?

Young kids don’t always mix well with cold/uncomfortable boots/uncontrolled speed/busy lodges/heavy things to carry. Yes, skiing is a sport - but we prioritized “learning to love skiing” and a positive association with a ski day. We trusted that with more time on the slope, the kids will progress at the right rate - our job was to give them the right structure and importantly do a few things to ensure they are having fun. Here’s a few examples:

• Candy: We always carry chocolate or soft candy (nothing they can choke on) while on the slopes. This is a tradition picked up from my family ski trips when I was young. This bending of the normal rules - candy every time we ski! - was a big motivator to start and helped establish skiing as something special for the family.

• Parents should carry the kids’ skis from the parking lot - for the first year: This is an example of the “progressive disclosure” part of getting kids to enjoy skiing. Some parents seem to take it as a learning moment to force the youngest of kids to carry their own equipment. We got there - but not in the first year. The priority was ensuring the kids had fun, then layer in all the work needed.

• “Fun runs” with parents: Learning is hard work! Yes, practicing linking turns and pizza/french fries is important - but even more important is that run with me where all of us are finding joy like this is a roller coaster.

The key themes: get them hooked first, fill the day with more fun than learning, and trust that over time nothing matters more towards growing a good skier than time on the slopes.

When to start?

Five years old is the ideal age to start skiing in earnest. Any younger and I think the annoyances (temperatures, boot walking, equipment lugging, et cetera) overwhelms. Older is fine too, but five is a great year to ensure its foundational to their concept of winter vs. an add-on. And the older you start, the more likely you are to have other activities on the weekend (birthday parties, other sports, et cetera) that break the routine.

I think it’s great at age 4 to do one or two “test runs.” Pick a sunny day and just get the kids on skis for a half an hour. Even just a run down from the magic carpet between your legs – give them the thrill of moving downhill.

What’s your approach to equipment?

Kids grow fast, so most ski/boots will last a season and a half at most. Seasonal rentals are a good option – although with two kids skiing and the ability to hand down to the younger sister, it’s almost as cost effective for us to buy. We prioritized a good fit - both in boot comfort and length of ski - it makes a big difference, even if it meant a midseason unexpected equipment purchase.

There are a few non-obvious things you may want to acquire:

Ski Backpack & Guide Ropes

This is a must have. First, it has a handle on the back - essential for picking up a small kid once they have fallen. Second, it can function as a pocket for a backup pair of gloves. Third, it has detachable leashes - these are somewhat controversial (takes up a lot of room on the bunny slopes) and we used them sparingly, but it can be a good alternative to between the legs to get the kids comfortable on the snow.

Ski Tip Connector

Attach these to the front of the kid’s skis to help them learn to keep the skis straight. Many instructors will tell you not to use these and that it can develop bad habits. But again, our philosophy is to enhance the “time until fun” stat and these can help kids experience the thrill of a fun downhill run sooner. We phased them out pretty quickly as they moved on to more advanced skills.

Something Distinctive

We found it was very useful to get the kids something to make them stand out and easy to recognize in a crowd. The Crazee Heads Helmet Covers worked for us - plush covering that fits any ski helmet.

Rocky Talkie

The best on-mountain radios are made by Rocky Talkie - and make sure to get the hand mic attachments. Kids both enjoy learning radio protocol and it’s useful in case of separation or a need to ask someone ahead to stop.

There are other radios - especially those with a lot of social media advertising promising hands free magic AI wind noise reduction like Milo Action Communicator - I do not recommend them as they do not work better than a standard handheld mic like cops use.

Seasonal Lockers

Our local ski resort offers a seasonal locker to store onsite our skis and boots. It’s a bit of a luxury, but it makes trips from the parking lot more pleasant - including for parents. And it reduces the stress of finding a great parking spot.

This is especially useful if you plan to sometimes do other things while kids are in classes - like snowshoe or hanging out in the lodge.

Do you enroll the kids in ski school?

We started the first season with a few one-off group classes, graduating in year two to a weekly ski camp. Ski camps are a win for everyone:

• It created a routine and expectation that we’d go every week.

• We got some time on the non-bunny slopes while the kids were in camp.

• Kids learn faster with a non-parent (and frankly, the non-parent is often more willing to push the kid when they need it).

• Kids push themselves when around other kids.

By year four, we began to question the need to enroll in ski camps - kids were close to being able ski on par with parents. Our oldest is trying the ski racing team and we are figuring out if it’s a great opportunity to graduate into a competitive sport or if it takes a fun hobby and turns it into work. This season will tell us!

How do you spend time with the kids on the slopes?

Before the kids are ready to ski independently, we used three methods to practice getting comfortable on the slopes or linking turns:

• Backpack runs: See above for the kid’s harness/backpack, which comes with leashes that extend about 10 ft. Kids ski first, parent do mostly speed control behind them.

• Between the legs: Not easy on the back, but often the most fun for the kids at first. They can get a feel for turns and the snow.

• By the side holding onto a pole: This is the method that feels most like practice/learning. The kid is skiing beside you holding on to one of your poles, which is held vertically. Used to help them link turns together in nice smooth S shapes.

Create Lasting Memories

My iPhone tells me that I’ve taken 563 photos at our local ski resort over the past six years. We’ve established a family tradition that makes the winter - despite the long, dark days - the favorite season for our kids. And we’ve unlocked the ability to take some fun winter trips to ski destinations.

If your kids are under 10, then this post will be relevant for you, and if you are ahead of us in your journey, we welcome your advice on what’s to come.

Define, communicate, and enforce boundaries.

Most importantly, we talk to our kids about our expectations and boundaries all the time, and technology, gadgets, and AI is part of that conversation. Our hope is that setting this foundation will also help us in the future as things get trickier. Here are the expectations we set:

1. No screens during meals at home or at restaurants - for our family, this is a time when we come together and talk. We protect it for connection time.

2. No screens in bedrooms - our girls both have desks in their rooms, but we have set up a dedicated touch-down space for computer-based homework outside of their bedrooms.

3. TV Apps that our kids are allowed to use are Disney+, Netflix and Amazon Prime. We do not allow unsupervised YouTube because there is too much bite-size content that is hard to pre-screen.

4. There is an expectation that our kids ask us if they are allowed to watch a new TV show or try a new game before they do.

5. Set a timer! When we get concerned that screen time is going to get away from us, we tell the kids how long they have and then set an audible timer so they know (and we know) when time is up. This battery-powered timer is a great option if you are looking for one.

   

Technology works for us, not the other way around

Another important tenet for us is that we use technology to help us accomplish certain goals with our kids, and we let it do that without guilt. Here are a few examples where tech has been an aid:

1. Educational apps are awesome and help with learning

   1. Our oldest has been using Simply Sing to help her prep for theater auditions. It gives her feedback on her pitch, lets her count the bars she needs and, in general has been a quick substitute for a voice coach.

   2. Apps like DreamBox and Lexia (school-sanctioned) have age-appropriate curricula for elementary school kids, and we often purchase access to them over the summer when they don’t get them through school.

2. Subtitles on! There was a recent study done that highlights that watching TV with subtitles helps children with reading.

3. We turn to TV to help us be sane parents. So if we are working on dinner, have a late meeting or want to sleep in on the weekend, our kids are allowed extra screentime. We discuss ahead of time if TV or video games are allowed, and then kids are on their own.

4. We do not limit screen time on airplane rides and long car rides. Adam and I have decided that in these moments, we all do our own activity and we don’t spend the time entertaining our kids.

Being a part of tech evolution is a bigger plus than a minus

We believe that the benefits of technology outweigh the downsides, especially when used purposefully to enhance learning, creativity and stimulate conversation. In today’s world, understanding and staying current with fast moving tech is essential - this was modeled deeply for both Adam and I when we were growing up. Adam built his computer in high school - and he plans to do that with our oldest daughter this fall. I remember the early days of the Internet, my dad tinkering with it and explaining to me that, yes, email does come on the weekends and how it actually works.

I love that we are fostering tech literacy and here are some examples:

Both our girls have played with voice and ChatGPT - they have asked it to generate math problems and fast facts to practice, trivia games when we travel, and periodic philosophical questions about evolutionary theory.

Adam also had fun playing with image generation and wrote about it in his Robots, Art and Kids post - we still have the generated art hanging in their rooms.

Adam and I both play video games with the girls that we enjoy. Adam has introduced them to the world of Zelda (both Tears of the Kingdom and the latest Echos of Wisdom). It was fun to watch them go deep into this world as they also read the Legend of Zelda Encyclopedia and Tears of the Kingdom – The Complete Official Guide). My contribution to this was introducing the girls to Animal Crossing. Both of these games allowed us to have conversations as a family over dinner table and were more than just a transactional way to pass the time.

Recently, our kids organically discovered Minecraft, another fantastic tool which builds problem-solving skills and teaches kids about architecture and resource management, all while letting them play and explore freely.

To summarize, we strive for our daughters to have experiences with technology that challenge them to think creatively, collaborate, and apply knowledge that is additive to traditional learning. The GameEducator on Instagram has amazing content on this topic that I highly recommend you follow if screentime and/or video games are in your future.

Here are some common questions:

At what age did your kids start watching TV?

We started with our oldest after she turned two - which was when she could sit still enough for a 20 minute episode. We watched a lot of Daniel Tiger and Dora the Explorer once or twice a week (Bluey came after this phase for us, unfortunately). We didn’t wait for our second daughter to turn two to let her watch TV, but her attention span readiness developed the same way.

When will you give your kids phones - and will they be smartphones?

We don’t know yet. Our 10-year-old has a Gizmodo Smartwatch that lets her call or text us so we can communicate logistics. This seems to be working so far and the next step will likely be to upgrade her to an Apple Watch because of the robust parental controls. Whether a smartwatch or a phone, we’ll follow a lot of advice that Dr. Becky has outlined on How to Know if Your Kid Is Ready for a Phone - which anchors on clear boundaries, communication, and support for run-ins on the internet.

How much screen time do your kids get daily?

We don’t have a hard and fast rule. The approach we have is that reading, homework, time with friends, chores, all come before screen time. When we have time, we get joy out of watching TV as a family after dinner for 20-30 minutes as our busy schedules allow. We also enjoy having an occasional family movie night on Fridays. Here too, we try to watch TV that lends itself to conversation.

The biggest takeaway here is to use screen time guidelines and then juxtapose it to your reality.

Thanks for reading - drop us a comment with any thoughts or suggestions.

Leave a comment

👩‍🏫 Clear the deck

I loved Gretchen Rubin’s recommendation to get ready to return to the usual routine after Labor Day, to do a bunch of small tasks to set yourself up. It was cathartic to unsubscribe from newsletters and delete unused apps - I felt lighter after it. This summer I spent time doing big and small decluttering projects. I hired an organizer (Productive Owl) and it’s one of the best investments I have made. She helped me set up a better system in my kitchen and inspired me to better organize my pantry, utility closets and craft spaces. I’m also planning a trip with my dad to Nashville this fall so it’s been great to firm up and finalize plans.

✅ Update and Print Morning Check Lists and Breakfast Menu

We started this last year and it has worked really well to make our mornings run smoother. We have a morning checklist that reminds our girls what is expected of them to get ready for the day. I display this list prominently in our kitchen area, keep markers nearby, and print it every 3 weeks. Throughout the year, we add/remove items as we agree as a family, but this has been a helpful tool to ensure everyone knows what their job is in the morning.

This year, I’m adding one more—breakfast menu to reduce decision-making fatigue in the morning and further streamline weekday mornings. We have agreed as a family on the guardrails for each day of the week for breakfast with built in nonnegotiables as well as choices throughout the week. I learned this tip from a fellow mom this summer and I’m curious to see if this works for our family.

🔟 Remember the Pick 10 Rule to keep the house tidy

A while ago, I learned about the “10 Things Rule” renamed in our household to Pick 10. With a busy family of four, the clutter accumulates fast. So now, as a family, we all pick up 10 things during a transition period - for example, between dinner and the next activity, before leaving the house to go on a fun adventure, after arriving home and starting the next thing. 10 is an arbitrary number - sometimes we do 5 or 15. The main point is to not make this time-based but outcome-based.

👏🏻 Clear and Prep the School Work Boards

We have two large cork boards with each of our kids’ names hanging up by our dining table. This is where our girls get to display any work they are proud of from school. Before the start of the school year and the new year, we clear the boards to make them be ready for the upcoming influx of work that will be coming home. The girls get to decide what goes up on the board and what comes off of it when there is not enough space. Things that don’t make it on the board go into the trash.

First day of school traditions

🍦 Ice cream on the first day of school eve

My family had a tradition of getting ice cream before the first day of school to celebrate the upcoming beginning. Adam and I now do this with our girls. It gives us a moment to ask the kids questions about what they are looking forward to as well as to talk through the upcoming morning of the first day of school (reminder of checklists, time to get up, etc.).

🍎 Take the first day of school morning off

When I chose to be a working parent, I promised myself that on days when I really wanted to be present with my kids or fellow moms, I’d make the time at work to do that. The first day of school is one of those days where I crave connection with other parents so I block off half a day for back to school to be able to walk to school with my kids and hang out with fellow moms for a little bit after. After drop off, I take a walk, get a tea/coffee, and get back to work. This pause gives me a moment of intention-setting for the year and grounds me in the two big jobs I have - being a mom and being a professional.

🥗 Our Favorite Dinner Table Questions

As we head back to school, the routine of family dinners is coming, so I am re-reading this blog on our Family Dinner ritual and, specifically, the repertoire of questions to ask to spur conversation:

“How was your day?” gets a bad rap because it’s not specific - it doesn’t inspire creative thought or show curiosity. We’ve had luck with these questions instead:

What’s something that surprised you today?

This is a good intro question, even for younger kids, which tends to force an answer better than “My day was good.”

What made you smile today?

This question hasn’t been successful with our 6-year-old, but it’s been a gem of insights from our 9- 9-year-old that helps remind her of good things that happened. We’ve learned a lot about friends we didn’t even know she had from this question.

What’s something cool that you learned today?

This question gets better over time when kids see how you react to their answers. I’ve noticed that the more curiosity and attention you show to the response, the more interesting the next day’s answer will be.

Wrapping Up

Whether or not you have kids starting school, going back to school or you are just getting ready for the fall, I hope you feel seen. I look forward to this season as much for the return to routine as well as fall decorations, soups, and football games.

Also, here are more of our parenting posts:

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents (Helen and Adam)

• 💪🏻 Brave Parenting: How to show up intentionally with our kids

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life (Helen)

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt (Helen)

• 👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories (Adam)

To set the context, our goal for our children is not to become competitive Olympic swimmers but to develop a sense of team spirit, prioritize exercise, and use sports to set and achieve personal goals.

So this post is focused on how the kids (and therefore our family) got into swimming, what we like about it, and the logistics of getting and navigating a swim team.

Why Swimming?

The short answer is that neither one of our girls like ball sports and swimming is the only sport that was palatable to them.

Our girls started swim lessons early (6 months old) because Adam and I are strong believers that knowing how to swim is a life saving skill1 and we wanted our kids to be comfortable near water - pools, lakes, oceans, boats, etc. Being on a water has become a big part of our life - whether it is playing in Lake Wenatchee and Chelan, enjoying Adam’s childhood beaches in San Diego or exploring tropical locations on family vacations.

Swimming was the only sport that our oldest expressed interest in past lessons and we jumped on the opportunity to get her on a summer league team when she said she was willing to commit to a summer swim league at 7 years old. 4 years later and this summer our younger daughter (who is now 7) has also said she’d like to try swim and so now we have two kids swimming.

So, I feel in the right to call myself a swim mom, and I even got a tank top to prove it earlier this summer when my daughter and I traveled to her first out-of-state meet.

💪🏻 What our kids are getting out of swimming

It’s been 3 years now that we’ve been involved with swimming as a sport. Here is why this has been great for our oldest daughter:

1. Set and achieve personal goals - sports and swim specifically is a great way to compete with yourself. I see her aiming for motivational times and working toward her personal best.

2. Confidence boost - I see our daughter saying things like “Swim is my thing. I’m in athlete.” She is more confident on the playground, and more physically active during play time.

3. Physical activity—Movement is good for the soul. In a world where screens are everywhere, I love that there is built-in exercise for her multiple times a week. Swimming has fewer injuries than other sports, which is also a plus.

4. Path to high school and college jobs—even with the training to date, I’m confident that our daughters are forging a path to get a lifeguard job or be a swim instructor down the line. They already look up to their coaches and lifeguards and can see a path to them doing something similar in the not-too-distant future.

5. An additional social circle of friends - It’s good to have multiple groups of friends so when things don’t go well with one crew, there is a separate set of people she can lean on and find camaraderie with.

How do you join a swim team?

I have encountered three types of swim teams - competitive year-round swim teams, summer league competitive teams, and non-competitive year-round swim clubs. I have had experience with the first two, so that’s my reference point and context.

As our family was looking for a summer league to join, I learned that we could participate through our community center or a team that’s part of a private swim club. We opted for the latter because it was more convenient for our family. If you live in the Pacific Northwest and want to find a summer league club, check out Midlakes Swim League. You can also ask around at your local community center or gym (if it has a pool) to get a better understanding of what options are there for you.

We joined in 2021, which became a springboard for our oldest into the world of swimming. At the end of that first season, she said she wanted to continue, leading us to find a nearby year-round team that’s part of the USA Swimming organization - Wave Aquatics. We chose Wave Aquatics because we heard great things about the coaching staff and the balanced approach that supports families to be more (Select) or less (Sport) competitive based on their needs. The other nearby year-round options are available at Pro Club and Bellevue Club. All of these are organized by age group and require a try out.

Pro tip - it’s usually easier to get into these teams when kids are 8 and under vs. when they are older.

What are the key differences between summer and year-round leagues for the 10 and Under age groups?

The difference is longer practices that run 90-120 minutes 3-4 times a week and mix conditioning and swimming. Meets are less frequent—usually monthly, but this can vary. However, the meets take up the bulk of the weekend (for example, this last weekend, our oldest needed to be at the pool from 7:40 a.m. to 12 p.m. on Friday and Saturday). As you progress to more advanced stages of year-round swimming, practices increase to more days a week, etc.

Similarities across both types of swim teams:

1. As a parent, you are expected to volunteer to support the meets. Basic jobs are timing, but if you get really into it, you can become a lane judge, a ref, etc.

2. The costs vary depending on the clubs - in addition, there are swimsuits, caps, and goggles to be purchased

🩱🤿 Swim Accessories

Below is a list of my favorite things that have helped us navigate swim meets and practices over the years.

Wagon - For getting to/from events - a wagon has been super helpful especially once there are two kids involved. This one easily fits 4 folding chairs, a cooler, and two swim bags. The wheels are big enough to manage some amount of off-roading and easily fold down and fit into the trunk of the car (though the handle needs to lay flat).

Canopy - When we set up on the lawn for outdoor swim meets, the Coleman canopy is a great addition. One thing to note if you are in the market for a canopy is how many people it takes to assemble. We have one that requires 4 people to get it up, but the experienced parents buy this one, which only requires one person.

Chairs - We bring regular camping chairs for outdoor meets where you don’t have to sit in the bleachers. If you are sitting in the bleachers, save your back and get a stadium chair (it packs well too).

Cooler - Storing dinner for adults and kids in a cooler is key unless you want to resign yourself to food truck fare 2x a week. This Yeti cooler has been working well to put in a container of a dinner salad (I love this recipe), a container of cutup fruit, and a few cold drinks of choice in addition to water.

Thermos - Besides healthy snacks, we’ve needed to figure out dinner for both the swimmers and the adults for evening summer meets. Our kids usually do a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and/or mac and cheese. If it’s mac and cheese, we store it in Hydroflask food jars to keep the temp.

Water Bottles with versatile caps - I like bottles that have different type of top attachments so that they can function as both water bottles and hot chocolate containers depending on the weather. Teams usually sell their own bottles, but also Hydroflasks have good optionality.

Towels - You will need a lot of towels - 3-4 per meet. We use these Amazon towels and they have held up great over the years with frequent washes. However, they take up a lot of space in the bags. Some people use the quick dry towels as an alternative.

Gear for the swimmers—The swim team will provide the list of gear needed. It’s usually a swimsuit, cap, goggles, and a bag to carry stuff in for the summer league team. These items are ordered from a team site at the beginning of the season. If possible, try on the swimsuit (for girls) before ordering. Here is a short video explaining how to put on a swim cap and how to help someone do it.

The year-round league requires the same set of stuff, a swim parka and additional training supplies like snorkels, kickboards, etc. Wait to hear from the team on what is actually needed. There is often a second-hand team exchange that is also set up - so inquire about that if you are looking to re-use or pass on your stuff.

Additional Tips:

✎ Adding names to athletic gear is fun. For the swim caps, most standard thing to do is to add the last name. Some, however, add first name and some both first and last name. You can also add names to the swim bag, swim parka, sweatshirts, etc. If you have two kids and there is a chance that the younger will do the sport too, I recommend going with last name only to get more wear out of things.

🏷️ Label all gear and have two of everything - two suits, two sets of goggles and two caps. Things get lost and mixed up in the messiness of practice and meets.

🍎 🥕Snacks and food for the swimmer - our kids are picky eaters, but they are so hungry during swim meets that I’m able to get a decent chunk of healthy snacks in. So I use this as an opportunity to get a lot of finger health foods into the packs - carrots, apples, veggie sticks. Avoid hard to process foods like jerky.

💵 Bring cash to the meets - most clubs have snack bars as well as food trucks and not all take Venmo

🌼 Happy Mother’s Day! Everyone’s motherhood journey is unique and different, and here is a quick retro on mine.

1. I did not yearn to be a mother my entire life but I thought that I would be one eventually. I remember remarking to my mom in my early 20s that the choice of parenthood makes very little sense - you give up your body, accept (at least a temporary) career set back, forego sleep, and introduce a lot of worry into your life. She smiled and said that some things are hard to intellectually internalize.

2. Now that I am a mother - I cannot imagine it any other way. As a mother of two girls, I love this job and see it as the most important thing that I do. The privilege of raising and shaping humans into the world is one I take pride in. As always, my mom was right - it’s hard to explain why motherhood is worthwhile, and I’m so glad I did not miss this chance.

   

3. I am also a corporate professional - I have a career that is as much part of who I am as being a mother is. I love contributing my energy to leading teams and building healthy organizations. In fact, I have written in the past what being a parent teaches me about work. It is hard to do both with intentionality and I continue striving for the right balance here.

4. Motherhood is a team sport - In addition to my amazing and supportive husband who carries his part and more in our busy lives, I have loved building a community of moms around me. This job is no joke and having a tribe of like-minded and supportive women around me has been everything.

5. Gratitude - especially on this day, I am grateful that I have my mom, mother in law and both of my grandmothers in my life and I am thinking about friends and family who do not have that today and wish they did.

I recently started following The Double Shift substack and got inspired by the article Taking Back Mother’s Day from Other People’s Expectations.

I love that the author recommends normalizing sharing what you, as a mother, want on Mother’s Day. Is it flowers and breakfast in bed, or is it a day alone hiking? I’ve been a recipient of gifts on this day for 10 years, and here are the top things I love to do and receive on Mother’s Day.

1. A planned outing with my family - museum, city attraction, etc.

2. A pre-arranged massage appointment where I get to just show up at a pre-determined time

3. An outdoor activity (last year I ran a 5k with other moms)

4. The gift of no cooking, dishes or clean up on Mother’s Day (or any day really)

5. My children being in a good mood and enabling me to do “fun parenting” for a day

The common thread through all of these experiences is family time without mental load. What’s your perfect Mother’s Day?

Leave a comment

If you are looking for other motherhood related posts - whether about mom guilt, self care or advice on hiring a nanny - check out these articles:

• 🌸 Mother’s Day Retrospective - post on self-care as a mom

• 10 Lessons in 10 years of parenting - I wrote this on the 10-year birthday of our oldest daughter in a moment of reflection

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents

• 💪🏻 Brave Parenting: How to show up intentionally with our kids

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt

• 🎒 My Back to School Survival Guide

Here is what you will get out of this post:

🤦🏼‍♀️ Parents whose kids aren’t YET old enough for summer camps - you will get a preview of what your life will likely entail and you can mentally prepare for what lies ahead. Skip it if you just can’t. I get it.

✌🏻Parents with kids doing summer camps - you will feel seen and validated that your craziness is also my craziness. If I missed stuff, please add your experiences and tips in the comments or send me a note.

🥳 Parents who are past this phase or people without kids - good popcorn post that you can read and feel gratitude that you are past this or will never have to do this.

PS If you are new to Mind the Beet and are here for career or product posts, check out these links: product-focused newsletters or career-development-focused newsletters

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When I was growing up, my summers were either living at our “dacha” (summer house in the suburbs of Moscow) with my grandmother or hanging out at home with my sister once we moved to the United States (I was 10 at the time and my sister was 5). I think of these days fondly now but back then, I definitely remember being “bored.” There is lots of research confirming that boredom is great for developing an imagination and building resiliency, so this is a reminder for us all, that there are many ways for kids to spend a summer. We are all balancing what our families need against the resources that we have and the values that we hold.

Fast forward to me now being a parent and Adam and I have made a decision that we will be part of the summer camp madness. Given that we’ve made this decision, we try to optimize to make the most of this path and do it as well as we can manage.

Why camps and not a full-time caregiver at home?

Adam and I are both working full-time and do not have family nearby. We are fortunate that we can afford camps and believe that our kids will have more enrichment and fun over the summer in activities vs. at home with a caregiver.

The biggest trade-off that we end up making (other than cost) is that routines are thrown off and there is a different kind of chaos that we manage. Summer camp life means that there is a new schedule every week with a mental load to keep everyone organized and getting to the right places on time. In addition, there is the emotional complexity of our kids’ feelings and experiences at camps - sometimes they are great, sometimes they are ok, very rarely they are terrible and then you have to make a plan to address the issue.

Are camps about childcare or enrichment?

For our family, it is a little bit of both - as our kids are getting older, we are trying to support their hobbies and find camps that are interesting to them, where they can make or strengthen friendships, or where they can have a new adventure.

If this was strictly about childcare, we would hire either a summer college student or a full-time nanny to hang out with them, but we are finding that not to work as well as having more structured activities.

How long does this summer extravaganza last?

My definition of summer is the time between the end of the school year and the beginning of the next school year. So in the Pacific Northwest, it is approximately from 3rd week of June through Labor Day (10 weeks).

We usually do 1-2 weeks of family vacation during the summer, so this leaves 8 weeks of planning summer camps.

How long do camps last?

This varies greatly. But here are the different types:

Half-day camps - usually 9-12 or 1-4, week long. Examples include half days of tennis camps, bike camps, yoga camps, and outdoor park camps. Many of them have a “full day” option (9-3) as well. When you opt-in for the half-day camps, you still need access to a full-time caregiver over the summer to support pick-ups, lunch, and afternoon activities.

“Most of the day” camps - 10-3pm, 9-3pm. Most of the camps that we’ve been utilizing fall into this category. Most of these usually last a week but you can sometimes do multiple sessions. For example, we have done theater camps and have at times done two sessions or one longer 2-week session.

Overnight camps - we are just starting to crawl into this category but these can be a week-long to multiple weeks at a time. Last year we tried Camp Zanika and this year, we are going to try YMCA week-long camp for both kids. Most overnight camps seem to have a ramp-up, so for younger kids, you can do half a week of overnight as an option.

Where do I find camps?

• Parks and Rec usually put on a lot of summer programming. Their brochures usually come out in March

• Word of mouth - Neighborhood facebook groups and neighbors

• Other places that usually have some kind of camp programming - local gymnastics studios, art museums, and zoos

When do I need to start booking camps?

There are two types of camps - Type A and normal camps.

The Type A camps fill up in minutes. For those, you should mark your calendar and wake up when registration opens to get the spots you want.

I found out the hard way in my area by missing the sign-ups for cool outdoor forest camps so then I would know for next year. So ask around which are the camps that fill up really fast ahead of time and act accordingly if you really want to get into one of those.

Then there are normal camps - registration for most opens between early February and April and you usually have a few weeks to get your act and schedule together and get a spot. However, it is still helpful to track when registration opens so that you can get your preferred spots and times.

Who does pick up and drop off?

Up until last year, we had a full-time (or close to it) nanny who would do the logistics and driving. This year, we have switched to a part-time nanny/household manager who manages this as well as augmented it with extra support in the mornings.

Our plan for the summer is to do a mix of our nanny + Adam and I driving + carpool with neighborhood parents to get kids from point A to point B.

How do I keep track of camp logistics?

End of spring break is usually the time when I start getting organized for summer. This year, I have found a camp organizer on Etsy and I highly recommend it (best $11 I have spent in a long time)

I also use text and WhatsApp groups to coordinate carpools and logistics with other parents which is becoming increasingly critical as our kids need to be in different places at different times. Both Adam and I are included on these as well as our household manager so that everyone can stay on the same page with who needs to be where and when.

Other tips:

1. Joint camps for siblings - If possible enroll kids into the same camp to simplify pick-ups and drop-offs

2. Early drop-offs and late pick-ups - The 10-3/9-3 camps often have the option to pay for early drop-off and/or late pick-up

3. Most camps have some kind of “end of camp” performance - whether it is a show or a bike parade. Plan your schedule accordingly

4. Keep your kids prepared - sunscreen, hat, extra snacks, water, change of clothes, a towel, and flip flops are packed for most days my kids are in camp. Getting a sunburn in week 1 does not make for a good start

5. Increase bath frequency - camps are dirty. So we try to bathe kids more frequently in the summer

I tried to stay true to my lived experiences in this post - acknowledging that everyone’s parenting journey is different based on circumstances and needs. My lessons are through the context of a two-working parent household with access to resources and support, but a severe deficit of time and no nearby family. My mood in writing this is in equal part nostalgic, whimsical, and sentimental.

🏡 Lesson 1 - Invest in building a community near you of like-minded parents

I would give a lot for a next-door neighbor who is lifelong friends with Adam and me, with kids the same age as our kids, who are also into the same activities and like to hang out together. However, this has not been my reality - so Adam and I have been intentional about building a community around us of parents whom we like to hang out and with whom our kids have common interests with.

What does this actually mean?

1. Offer help and ask for help - with watching the kids, picking things up in the store

2. Create opportunities to spend time together as families - I love hosting get-togethers and baking so inviting people over for a Friday night “wind-down” has been an energizing go-to for me

3. Reach out - make conversation with playgrounds, classes, rehearsals, pick up and drop off, and see what comes of it

4. Maintain connection with parents with slightly older kids so that you can have a guide and a coach for what’s ahead

   

💪🏻 Lesson 2 - Consistency is more important than getting it exactly right

To sleep train or not to sleep train was the question I remember asking my pediatrician. And his answer was - whatever you do, stick with it and don’t change your mind daily.

My kids thrive on guardrails and clear expectations of what is to come - for example, we don’t do screens at dinner table but we do unlimited screen time on long road trips. I have learned that having this level of clarity both simplifies the day-to-day (fewer decisions to make) and improves behavior.

One key thing to note that with the goal of consistency, Adam and I have had to spend extra time ensuring that are on the same page so that we don’t inadvertently send mixed messages.

🥰 Lesson 3 - Outsource the things that don’t give you joy and replace them with things that do

I feel no shame that I do not do our household laundry (and a lot of gratefulness that I can outsource it) or make my kids Halloween costumes from scratch. I also think about what I am doing with this time I am getting back and try to be intentional about it. The commitment that I make to myself is that I will make one large time investment with my kids a year. This is important to me because as a working mom, I want to show them there is a way to work and be involved in their lives.

For example, last year, I was a room parent for the 4th grade class. This year, I’m leading the Daisy Girl Scout troop (if you want Girl Scout Cookies, I know a Daisy who would be thrilled to support your cravings)!

📚 Lesson 4 - Establish a love of reading by encouraging books without judgment of content

Both girls love reading and I see them gravitating toward a book more often than not. In addition to reading to them nightly as Adam and I do, we have also supported them in reading whatever they find interesting rather than what we think they should be reading. This was a big shift for me personally as that’s not how I was raised (the approach my parents took was to work through the classics as fast as possible).

Also, listening to your kids in this way means that sometimes they make hard decisions for us to live with - for example, our 6-year-old does not want to read Harry Potter. Alas.

💞 Lesson 5 - Taking a night (or a week) off parenting is good for the soul

For the first 10 years of parenting, it has definitely been true for me that taking time away from being a parent is important for my identity as a wife, friend, sister, and daughter. Over the years, Adam and I have successfully been able to get time to turn toward each other during date nights, weekends away, and even a week in Europe (for a wedding). Additionally, having time to myself has been important for my identity.

Here is tactically what this means:

1. Have a roster of babysitters that you trust and can call in to support

2. Adam and I have an agreement that each week we both get a night off to use however we want. We discuss timing ahead of time on Sunday for the week to come

3. Ask for what you need - no one can read my mind, so I use clear words like “I would like to go for a run today, can you support me in that?” and we discuss what that looks like

👼🏻 Lesson 6 - Nanny over daycare

The ability to have a nanny has been 100% right decision. It gave us a glide into parenting with less sickness and more flexibility in the early days. It is a gift we were able to give ourselves (financially) which set us up for success for the first 4 1/2 years of our parenting journey. But what about socialization? This is the question I most often get - I have a lot of conviction that these needs can be met with augmented classes and experiences.

I have written extensively about this and am happy to talk to anyone about this choice. And clearly, I don’t recommend the nanny path if it is a financial burden.

💡 Lesson 7 - Establish big and small family traditions to foster connection

I have loved having structure and experiences to look forward to as a family. This helps create core memories around rituals that we share as a family.

Here are some of my favorite ones:

💗 Red Dinner on Valentine’s Day - we don’t do gifts but we have a family dinner where all the foods are red

🍨 Ice cream the night before the first day of school

🎁 Birthday presents are piled up by the bed the morning of the big day

💬 Lesson 8 - Keep kids talking to you

My job as a parent is to keep my kids safe and raise good humans. To that end, understanding what they are thinking and what is happening especially when I am not there feels more and more important every day. Times and places where I’ve had the most success getting an opening into the minds and days are usually at bedtime and in the car during transition times.

🌳 Lesson 9 - Fresh air cures most bad moods

It’s amazing to me that this lesson has persevered through 10 years of parenting. Fresh air for newborns meant longer naps. Fresh air today means a change of scenery, the ability to take a deep breath, and an improved mood for all. When all else fails, go outside - to the playground, for a walk, or if all else fails in a car to a drive through Starbucks.

🧘‍♂️ Lesson 10 - Everything in parenting (and life) is a phase

There was a time when our garage was full of strollers and trikes. There was a time when I could not get my oldest child to do any team sport. There was a time when baking with kids seemed like a pipe dream.

And yet, now the garage has large bicycles in it (and still one Bob stroller that I can’t seem to convince myself to give away), my oldest swims competitively on two swim teams, and my 6-year-old loves to bake with me. I have spent too much time trying to orchestrate my kids to do the things I think they should be doing on a timeline that “best practices” dictate. But as it turns out, my kids are their own selves and have had a strong point of view on who they are and what works for them.

To that end, my takeaway is to try to meet them where they are. If today's carrots are disgusting, tomorrow they might taste like the best thing in the world. But forcing my plan on kids is a waste of effort and energy. The years we have under the same roof are too short and I’d rather make time for the important stuff.

Thank you for reading and please drop any of your parenting lessons in the comments.

Here are more of our parenting posts:

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents

• 💪🏻 Brave Parenting: How to show up intentionally with our kids

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt

• 👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories

👩‍🏫 Clear the deck

I loved Gretchen Rubin’s recommendation to get ready to return to the usual routine after Labor Day, to do a bunch of small tasks to set yourself up. It was cathartic to unsubscribe from newsletters and delete unused apps - I felt lighter after it. I also got on booking holiday travel and added a fun trip with my mom and sister that I’m now looking forward to in the fall.

✅ Update and Print Morning Check Lists

We started this last year and it has worked really well to make our mornings run smoother. We have a morning checklist that reminds our girls what is expected of them to get ready for the day. I display this list prominently in our kitchen area, keep markers nearby, and print it every 3 weeks. Throughout the year, we add/remove items as we agree as a family, but this has been a helpful tool to ensure everyone knows what their job is in the morning.

🔟 Remember the Pick 10 Rule to keep the house tidy

A while ago, I learned about the “10 Things Rule” renamed in our household to Pick 10. With a busy family of four, the clutter accumulates super fast. So now, as a family, we all pick up 10 things during a transition period - for example between dinner and the next activity, before leaving the house to go on a fun adventure, after arriving home and starting the next thing. 10 is an arbitrary number - sometimes we do 5 or 15. The main point is to not make this time-based but outcome-based.

👏🏻 Clear and Prep the School Work Boards

We have two large cork boards with each of our kids’ names hanging up by our dining table. This is the place where our girls get to display any work that they are proud of from school. Before the start of the school year and the new year, we clear the boards to make them be ready for the upcoming influx of work that will be coming home. The girls get to decide what goes up on the board and what comes off of it when there is not enough space. Things that don’t make it on the board go into the trash.

First day of school traditions

🍦 Ice cream on the first day of school eve

My family had a tradition of getting ice cream before the first day of school to celebrate the upcoming beginning. Adam and I now do this with our girls. It gives us a moment to ask the kids questions about what they are looking forward to as well as to talk through the upcoming morning of the first day of school (reminder of checklists, time to get up, etc.).

🍎 Take the first day of school morning off

When I chose to be a working parent, I promised myself that on days when I really wanted to be present with my kids or fellow moms, I’d make the time at work to do that. The first day of school is one of those days where I crave connection with other parents so I block off half a day for back to school to be able to walk to school with my kids and hang out with fellow moms for a little bit after. After drop off, I take a walk, get a tea/coffee, and get back to work. This pause gives me a moment of intention-setting for the year and grounds me in the two big jobs I have - being a mom and being a leader at work.

🥗 Our Favorite Dinner Table Questions

As we head back to school, the routine of family dinners is coming so I am re-reading this blog on our Family Dinner ritual and specifically the repertoire of questions to ask to spur conversation:

“How was your day?” gets a bad rap because it’s not specific - it doesn’t inspire creative thought or show curiosity. We’ve had luck with these questions instead:

What’s something that surprised you today?

This is a good intro question, even for younger kids, which tends to force an answer better than “My day was good.”

What made you smile today?

This question hasn’t been successful with our 6-year-old, but it’s been a gem of insights from our 9- 9-year-old that helps remind her of good things that happened. We’ve learned a lot about friends we didn’t even know she had from this question.

What’s something cool that you learned today?

This question gets better over time when kids see how you react to their answers. I’ve noticed that the more curiosity and attention you show to the response, the more interesting the next day’s answer will be.

Wrapping Up

Whether or not you have kids starting school, going back to school or you are just getting ready for the fall, I hope you feel seen. I look forward to this season as much for the return to routine as well as fall decorations, soups, and football games.

Also, here are more of our parenting posts:

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents (Helen and Adam)

• 💪🏻 Brave Parenting: How to show up intentionally with our kids

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life (Helen)

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt (Helen)

• 👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories (Adam)

Bonus content: Check out our other popular parenting posts (👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories and Work Travel and Mom Guilt) and if you are here for our writing on product management, check out our latest posts here.

Broadening the horizons is worth the work

It is a lot of effort to travel with young humans, but it is rewarding in new and different kinds of ways. I could really see the girls grow through these experiences and their worldview broadening. It was hard for me to keep this perspective in the moment - the whining and complaining about too much walking was real, but the following moment made me feel validated:

One of the big things we did in Paris, was the tour of the Louvre. It was a slog for the kids. We used Paris Muse, which was highly recommended as a kid-appropriate scavenger hunt tour of the highlights of the museum, but our tour guide wasn’t great. However, a few days later, as we were walking through Old Town Nice, our 6-year-old burst out:

“Mom, it’s like we are in the Louvre again” - she said as we passed by a statue. I looked at her puzzled and asked her why she thought that.

She replied - “The Louvre was full of statues, though this one does have its arms and a head, while many statues in the Louvre didn’t.”

This was a good reminder for me that kids at this age are sponges. Nothing is wasted or lost on them, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the moment.

Mixing culture with “kid first” experiences is a winning combination

We organized both trips to be 60% “culture” and 40% “vacation” to ensure that our kids were both learning new things but also had things to look forward to that they could relate to and get excited about.

In both London and Paris, we did the easy kid-friendly things - Hamley’s toy store in London, and summer carnival rides in Tuiliere Gardens in Paris. But we chose to go further both times and add beach/theme park days into the experiences.

So when we went to the UK, we paired 5 days in London with a long weekend in Brighton. While in London, we explored Buckingham Palace, a river cruise, Tower of London, the London Eye, and local streets. In Brighton, we focused on rides at a pier, a beach, and a slower rhythm that helped our kids (and us) balance the trip.

In France, we explored Eiffel Tower, Louvre, Arc de Triumph and Montmartre, and balanced it with Paris Disney, and pool and beach days in the French Riviera.

Logistics - location, sleeping arrangements, transportation  and luggage

Location - We were very intentional about the location during our trips. This helped us minimize at least a little bit of walking and since we are living in a post-stroller life, this was important.

This meant that when we were in cities, we optimized for central locations with easy access to landmarks as well as public transit.  During the “vacation” part of our trips, we optimized for either pool on the property or easy access to the beach/other attractions. 

Sleep - For Adam and me, it is important that we have some space from the kids during our family travel at night - separate rooms mean that we all get better sleep. So both times, when we needed to stay somewhere for longer than a night, we got adjoining rooms (connected by a door in between) and 2 rooms when we rented a house.

Flights: fly direct if you can - As we are early in our international travels with our kids, we have gone out of our way to pick locations with direct flights as much as possible. This has minimized some amount of the logistics and risks of luggage not making it.  As our travel gets more advanced, we will need to take flights with layovers, but where direct flights were available, we optimized for that.

Luggage - Our strategy has been for every family member to pack their own carry-on and backpack. When we flew to London last year, we were paranoid about airline staffing shortages so we did not check our bags on the way to London. On the way to Paris, we checked all but 1 bag, in the carry on bag, we stored extra clothes for every family member in case any of the other bags got lost.

Transportation - our kids did great in subways and trains. We have now ditched car seats when traveling internationally, which has been an unlock (though here is a good portable car seat booster if you are looking for one).  While in the cities, we mostly used Ubers, Adam did book us a car service to/from airports since everything is smaller in Europe, so this helped ensure that cars would fit all of our luggage as needed. Ubers worked well enough in major cities, but worse in the French Riviera.

Finding childcare abroad is very doable

We have had good luck finding childcare through agencies when traveling - I was initially worried about what this would look like in Europe. However, there are babysitting agencies that I was able to find directly as well as ask hotels to recommend agencies. Most of them have a 3-hour minimum and a variety of payment structures. I used WhatsApp to communicate with the agencies as well as the babysitter day of and it worked well.

Dinner time was hard

The lowlight for us both times were evening meals. European meals take a long time and trying new food is not something that brings our children joy at this point of their development.  We also haven’t invested in teaching our kids to sit for long dinners and have a firm family rule of no electronics at dinner. Since we weren’t willing to bend on the electronics, here are the things we tried to make evening meals be more palatable.

1.  Find family-friendly places - We asked the concierge for restaurant recommendations that would work for kids. I did not know Paris restaurants have kids’ menus, but plenty do.

2.  We opted to have dessert somewhere else to break up the meal length.

4. In-room picnic/and or room service - One of the nights we went to the market and bought food to have a picnic in our room - kids got to explore what a supermarket looks like and the dining experience was much more palatable for us all.  Another night we did room service.

5.  Eat outside in town squares where kids can run around - we didn’t do this yet but will try next time

Don’t underestimate the walking

I had this idyllic hope that we will be able to wander through small streets without a destination and explore European cities together as a family.  However, because getting to most destinations requires walking (even if you are taking a subway for part of the way), the concept of aimless wandering is not a thing for our kids yet. Walking with a destination to a carousel or an ice cream shop definitely worked, but it required planning ahead of time. In the absence of a plan, this wasn’t worth our time. I look forward to everyone getting older and having this experience later in our travels.

Summing it up

The next ten years feel precious for us as a family to form memories and enjoy new experiences together. To make the most of this time, I find myself making lists of all the places we want to go as a family (and at what frequency). And while I know there is a time and place for “vacations” where we relax and savor each other’s company, I’m excited that we are now taking trips to expand our kids’ minds with new cultures and education. As we continue to live our life with intention, it has been rewarding to plan our time off with purpose and see our family thrive as we grow our repertoire of things to do as a family.

Like a lot of parenting, for us, the dinner table started transactional and involved managing a sense of loss aversion - newborns can’t talk, so it was about salvaging as much pre-kid normality while spoon feeding mush, wiping up stains, and dodging edible projectiles. I still cringe when I think of the floor underneath the table at some of our first nights out as a family.

Once the kids were out of the highchair stage, though, family dinners transformed. They became precious as one of the few moments of the day when we are all together and the ritual gave the kids an expectation of focus. This brings a chance to both teach and to be curious about our kids’ days.

“Giving someone your undivided attention is one of the most generous things you can do.” - Unknown

How does a family get better at managing the dinner table than the minbar of asking “How was your day?” and throwing up an iPhone when the kids get bored before you are done with your meal? In many ways, it’s a microcosm of any family’s larger parenting strategy - you can learn a lot about a family by the way they manage the family dinner table. So, here’s our approach - far from perfect, but reflective of some of our deepest held parenting beliefs.

Bonus content: Check out one of our most popular posts: Burnout & Boredom: A Manager’s Pandemic Retrospective on Mental Health

Our Biggest Dinner Table Rules

No screens

Weekend mornings, long car rides, airplanes - our family has plenty of screen-time-allowed rituals. The dinner table is not one of them, including when we eat out at restaurants. Zero judgement to any family that does allow them - it enables an easy meal in peace for the adults. We just decided to spend the screens-as-relief-valve chips elsewhere.

You are excused when you are done

Our compensation for the no-screen mantra is that we allow our kids to leave the table when they are done with their meal. At home, this means a return to play and it enables adults to finish the meal on their own time. At restaurants, this is more nuanced - but it does often mean kids can get up to explore outside or otherwise wander in a way that doesn’t bother others or get in the way of servers.

We put things on your plate; you decide what to eat

We have one picky eater and one who eats anything. This means we’ve had stressful battles with food but also have the existential perspective that frankly little of our intentional efforts seem to actually matter. Kids will eat what they want. Our approach to providing some structure is that at home, we add food to our kids’ plates - they can decide whether or not to eat it. We encourage the “No, thank you” bites - although are hard pressed to name the food they love that came from them.

Our Favorite Games

One of the top stressors of a dinner out is filling the time until the food comes. While we believe in general that parents are not there to cure our kids’ boredom, we perhaps compromise this principle at restaurants. So we play games together as we wait for food. Mostly this is pleasant time spent in play, but where possible it’s a great chance for kids to practice having opinions, being imaginative, and having an attention to detail. If you too are looking for a few ideas to pass the time, try these:

What moved?

This is the crowd favorite for sure. One person closes their eyes and everyone else moves one thing on the table. A fork goes askew. A drink cup gets flipped with the table tent. Then the guessing begins!

What’s your top five…?

Our kids have trouble picking one favorite, but they often love to geek out on stack ranking a set of favorites. Restaurants, theme parks, colors, stuffies, vacation destinations - we pick fun things that bring joy. Pausing and asking “Why?” is key to extending playing time.

Would you rather?

“Would you rather fly, or would you rather be able to teleport?” and other forms of imaginative this vs. that is a good way of enabling kids to form opinions. This is a great chance for us to validate our kids’ thought processes.

Honorable mentions: Hangman & Telephone are two solid favorites with our kids as well. Thank God we’ve graduated from Tic Tac Toe, though. Too many cat’s games for my lifetime.

Our Favorite Questions

“How was your day?” gets a bad rap because it’s not specific - it doesn’t inspire creative thought or show curiosity. We’ve had luck with these questions instead:

What’s something that surprised you today?

This is a good intro question, even for younger kids, which tends to force an answer better than “My day was good.”

What made you smile today?

This question hasn’t been successful with our 6-year-old, but it’s been a gem of insights from our 9- year-old that helps remind her of good things that happened. We’ve learned a lot about friends we didn’t even know she had from this question.

What’s something cool that you learned today?

This question gets better over time when kids see how you react to their answers. I’ve noticed that the more curiosity and attention you show to the response, the more interesting the next day’s answer will be.

Honorable mentions: I asked on Threads (follow me under aharmetz) what are some good dinner table questions and here’s a few I got: “What was one kind thing you did today?” and “How did you make someone’s day today?”

Wrapping Up: Keep It Fresh

New places, new games, new questions - those are even more important than just our favorites. It keeps the dinner from getting into a rut and maintains the ritual. So share out your favorite questions and dinner-table games with us!

Bonus: More of our parenting posts:

• 👶 Advice on Hiring a Nanny: Practical tips for working parents (Helen and Adam)

• 🐎 Seven pieces of advice for parents returning to the "office" after parental leave: How to adjust back to work life (Helen)

• ✈️ Work Travel and Mom Guilt (Helen)

• 👨‍🍼My First Year of Fatherhood: Polished Memories (Adam)

This post is inspired by a simple question.

My sister-in-law, who recently gave birth, asked me what I remembered most from the crazy, sleep-deprived first year of parenthood.

My initial answer was “not much.”   It’s a well-known joke that somehow biology prevents most parents from vividly remembering their first year with a newborn because if they did, few would choose to bring brothers and sisters into the world.

Yet my answer isn’t entirely true.   As the question has stuck with me for the past few weeks, it’s become clearer that many core memories happened during the first year that shaped how this new chapter of my life would unfold.   

These memories have aged now that our kids are in elementary school.   Time works like grit that smooths out the rough edges of memories – leaving behind polished gems full of meaning.

Here’s my story of adjusting to parenthood, with the fortunate hindsight of eight more years of my life’s parenting chapter to identify the top bright spots. It’s what I remember and what I learned from each memory.

😴​ On Adjusting to a New Normal

I remember how it started.   I remember saying “I’ll keep you warm and safe” to our firstborn daughter as I held her in the hospital operating room while the doctors prepared Helen to take the baby.

I learned that this moment was parental empathy at its very simplest.   Every moment since then has required more judgment about why my daughter was upset – hungry? tired? fighting with school friends? – but in that first moment just out of the womb, she was cold and scared.   Caring for another human being fundamentally has given me more tools to understand how others must be feeling.  It’s one of the biggest gifts.

I remember the complete sense of despair in the first few nights as adjusting to multiple middle of the night wakeups left me with a sense of doubt if it would ever end and how we would cope.

I learned the power of “this too shall pass.”  They say that in parenting, the days are long but the years are short.   Despair and dread were a natural reaction to the grueling changes to my own comfort until I experienced how fast things evolve with a rapidly growing human. There was solace in the constant changes of the first year because nothing stressful was chronic.

I remember irrationally looking forward to the nightly family story time before bed.

I learned how important routines are.   They give comfort to even the lizard part of our brains – for babies and parents – especially in times of stress.  I know enough about my own personality to see that I reduce stress by descending into fiction and separating myself from reality for a bit.  It’s why I like to read and listen to stories.  It was an almost primal relief to have that constant in my life and incorporated into the new routine.

I remember checking for the third time that the baby was sleeping peacefully, even though I knew I already checked.

I learned that inner calm is more important than being rational.   Helen and I giving each other permission to act this way was an essential part of acknowledging each other’s fears.

I remember reading books on how to develop good character in kids and baby proof the house, only to bring home a blob of a human who couldn’t even move on her own yet. 

I learned that parenting is just like comedy – it’s about timing.   Great parenting requires a wide swath of knowledge; little of it applies at any particular time.

I remember having to clean up a huge blowout in the back of our SUV despite running out of wipes and having no trash can nearby.

I learned that so much of the first year of being a parent is transactional.   Eat, sleep, poop.   The social and emotional components come later.   Maybe someday the ability to reason with them will come (I’m still waiting).  It came close to dominating the relationship between Helen and me for a while – our marriage became mostly about the transactions of baby routines.   Finding ways of bringing back the complex, the emotional, the fun, and the thriving was important growth.

🔗On the Bond Between Co-Parents

I remember reading a parenting book called Wonder Weeks that talks about how babies go through “wonder weeks” of growth but it leaves them cranky.   Upon deeper reading, Helen and I realized that any week and any fuss could be contorted to some wonder week milestone.   Our “Oh, it’s a wonder week” inside joke was born.

I learned that, just like any tribe, parents need an outsider to form a clique against.  For us, that was parenting books that overgeneralized. 

I remember a feeling of unease in some of our first joint decision making as parents.   Compromise took on a new meaning because I wasn’t compromising my own comfort and wishes, but those of a child I’d sworn to protect.  I’d never done that with Helen before.

I learned that parental decision-making is a new muscle and requires the partnership to grow from pre-kid spousal conversations.  We took the time to frame decisions, articulate explicitly the outcome and not just the activity, and research until we found 2-3 options. That became our playbook. Helen is so fantastic at narrowing down our problems into a few options for us to choose from by doing research.  Parenting blogs, fellow parents, and of course grandparents are the Go To’s for reducing an ambiguous problem down to a couple of approaches. We found a way of balancing prior experience’s advice with our own autonomy. This led, eventually, to parental intuition.

I remember being praised for doing a great swaddle.  I think we called it the “Iron Swaddle” and I was asked to do it as we believed it extended nap times.  

I learned that praise is important in parenting.  We have to be kind to each other through vulnerable moments.    We have to be creative in giving thanks and acknowledging value.   Helen has always been so fantastic about giving praise – it’s deeply embedded in her soul – and that was one of the many reasons she is a fantastic co-parent to go on the journey with.

I remember Helen struggling getting our baby to latch during breastfeeding and the stress round of doulas, clinic visits, and family advice.

I learned that the expectations we place on mothers during this time are so frustratingly unfair.  Here I was being praised for basically tying a blanket correctly into a swaddle, while society had some implicit expectation that Helen would be able to immediately figure out something fundamentally new and ambiguous.   I also learned, though, that mothers and fathers have different roles to play.   Biology aside, the notion that the first bond the baby makes is to their nurturer and the second bond is to their protector feels deeply embedded into our DNA and impossible to fight against. That first year, the nurturer had a more obvious and larger role to play - it took hustle and creativity so that I was still pulling my weight as an equal co-parent. This doesn’t mean I played the exact same role as Helen - the goal was not to be interchangeable. It required us to put societal pressures in the background as much as we could and find a balance that worked for our family.

I remember Helen and I debriefing after our first PEPS class, having just met six other new parents.  We compared notes, judged what we are good at, and discussed who we thought we’d connect with.

I learned that tribes are important in parenting.  People say comparison is the thief of happiness, but it’s all so new that I craved the ability to see if what we were experiencing was normal. There is also something primal about finding community when I had a new family - we are destined to experience parenthood with others.

👣​ On Evolving Myself

I remember being so frustrated one time that the baby wouldn’t stop crying and fall asleep that I need to put her down in her crib and leave the room.

I learned one of the most important lessons of parenting that first year: the only thing I could fully control was myself.   Babies are more resilient and malleable than new parents going through the journey are.   I had to make time to get sleep, find non-baby things that give me joy, and remember how I find energy.   I wish I had spent more time thinking about the father I wanted to become instead of the baby I wanted to raise. 

I remember during one of our baby’s first irrational tantrums, Helen found such patience to show she understood what the baby was feeling when I just wanted to lean into my gut instinct to reprimand.

I learned that as a parent there are times when I must sacrifice my own desires and instinct to choose the easy path and replace that feeling with a grounded view of what my child needs from me. This takes energy and patience and fortitude. As the years went on, Helen and I would be asked who is the disciplinarian in the family or conversely who is the “fun parent.” It’s not that simple and that’s not the roles we play. A better question to ask is who is better at sacrificing to be the parent the situation requires. Doing that well is worth the parenting Gold Medal.

I remember explaining .NET computer science concepts of garbage collection and object oriented programming to my daughter while on a walk.

I learned that the gift of hearing as much language as possible was a gift worth giving and I’ve had enough baby talk to question my own sanity. To this day, many people talk about how articulate our daughter is.   I believe that just more hours of hearing language made a difference. I found my own moments of pride.

I remember having my first moment of deep love as I watched our baby sleeping when she was a few months old.

I learned that there is such much pressure to conform to whatever notion of love Hollywood pitches.  But I was sleep deprived, shocked at how hard this is, and doing a million things.   It took some time and came in unexpected moments.  For me, it was a wave of warmth while watching her sleep one night. Over time, this has been a seed that grew into many other ways of expressing love. But I’ll remember the first.

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💖​ Show Them What Love Is

There was not a lot I could teach my child in the first year - so much of it is about providing a safe place for biology to let the automatic growth happen.

But the thing I could control is myself – defining the father I wanted to be – and importantly how I wanted to show love.

There is a famous quote from the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

In this first year, we can teach our children that they deserve healthy, quality love - and show them how we can give that love to our co-parents as well. It’s a gift that can last a lifetime.

Adam has done a bit of traveling in the last couple of weeks for work and our youngest remarked “But you don’t travel for work, that’s a mom thing!” This gave me a pang of guilt and reminded me of this post I published last year on "Mom Guild and Travel”. Since I wrote this, it has been one of the most read and forwarded posts especially for new mom’s returning to work rituals (including travel) as well as experienced moms taking on a job that requires travel where none was needed before.

I find myself reminding my fellow parents that “it’s ok to be torn about travel - feeling sad to leave but happy to get some time away from your kids. These two truths can and should co-exist.”

Enjoy and please share!

10 Tips For Parents Traveling for Work

1. Agree on the frequency of travel 🛫

Being based in the Seattle area, I never imagined that I would join a company that was headquartered elsewhere. But thanks to COVID, this became a real possibility when I had an opportunity to join Guild, which is based in Denver. As part of the discussion on whether or not this was the right move for me, Adam and I discussed what is our tolerance for travel is (for both him and me). By having a clear and direct conversation, it helped us set up the right expectations and norms so that we did not need to revisit this every time travel came up.

1. For my job, I need to be able to travel up to once a month for a few days at a time. However, Adam needs to travel once a quarter for a week at a time. Net-net - it’s about equal number of days for each.

2. We also agreed that since I travel more frequently, I will do my best to avoid weekend travel, however, since Adam travels abroad - he needs the weekend, and that’s ok.

3. We also discussed notice that we both needed and try to plan as much as possible. If it’s too last minute, the default is to not go. We both work to avoid any urgent trips. For me, that means I try to plan at least two weeks in advance. Adam plans even further in advance because his trips are longer.

2. Don’t keep score 🎯

Part of our nightly routine is taking turns putting kids to bed at night (alternating - where a parent does bedtime with one kid and switch the next night). When someone is out of town, the parent staying behind does bedtime for both kids. We have decided early on not to keep score - that means that you get right back to the previous schedule when you return. As our kids are getting older and their awareness grows of a parent leaving for work, they may request one parent to do both bedtimes and we adjust then as needed.

3. When to come back early ⏱

If you travel for work, there will be a day when something unexpected happens at home and you have to decide what to do - do you stay or do you cut your trip short. The short answer for us is - it depends.

When I broke my foot while pregnant with our second child, Adam canceled his trip to Norway. However, when the kids and I had the stomach flu at home and he was in Europe, it didn’t make sense to adjust the schedule and change plans. There was a time when I was in Denver and my work obligations ended early and sleep and logistics were hard at home, I moved my flight and came home early.

For us, it comes down to an honest conversation and an assessment of whether or not changing plans would actually be helpful. We try to put aside the heroics and get down to business - “If I got on the plane right now, would it actually help? Can anyone else help just as well?” If the answer is yes and no respectively, then it’s worth considering.

4. Suspend all expectations of what is happening at home while you are gone 🙈

When I go out of town, Adam gets to make all the calls on what they eat for dinner, what and how much TV is watched and how much dessert and fun is consumed.

When Adam travels, I also hold no guilt for getting a babysitter to come in so that I am able to go out and honor a social or professional commitment. While many of our roles and responsibilities are interchangeable, I am the primary parent who handles childcare, so I also support Adam when I am traveling if he needs a night out by finding a sitter ahead of time.

5. To bring or not to bring gifts home 🎁

We try hard to not set expectations that there will be a gift or souvenir brought home after each travel instance. However, the reality is nuanced. Since I tend to mostly go to the same place over and over again, bringing gifts feels redundant. Since Adam goes to international places and is gone for longer periods of time - he usually brings something home.

Our biggest goal is to not have our kids greet us with “what did you bring us?” - and to be honest, this is a work in progress. I think about The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies when this comes up and what are the ways in which we can tackle the expectation of gift giving.

6. Connect with the family on your partner’s terms 📳

While travel is hard and exhausting, it is undoubtedly harder for Adam who is at home holding down the fort (or me when the roles are reversed). This was especially true when our kids were younger so we agreed that the parent at home gets to dictate the convenient time to connect and the traveling partner tries to accommodate. The rationale is to be helpful, while away and not cause any harm or disruption to the routine or way of life that is going on at home.

7. Manage your sleep and exercise 🛌

I do not sleep well in hotels when I travel for work. My mind is going 100 miles an hour and I have a lot of things I want to get done that I am constantly thinking about. There is no off switch when I travel, no change of context with kids and family. So I make a special effort to meditate (I use the Peloton app as well as Calm) and to walk in the morning or exercise in some other way.

8. Give yourself grace 🙏🏻

I appreciate that Adam does not make me feel guilty about my travel or the times when things go sideways at home - someone gets sick, snags with childcare and unexpected logistics creep up.

What I actually need to remind myself of is to give myself grace and not feel bad about things that I cannot control that happen.

I was in New York on a girls’ trip a couple of months ago, and our youngest wasn’t having a good day in preschool. I got the call - please come pick your child up because she is not feeling well. As for many mothers, we are the default first call from preschool, school, camps, sports etc. (despite every effort that we make to balance that out) and there were no words to describe the guilt I felt for being out of town. I scrambled to call Adam and our nanny and arrange backup care as well as call the school back to inform them of the new plan.

No one asked me to do this and I am 100% positive that Adam would have handled all of this just fine without me going into “save the world” mode and needing to prove my worth as a mother. I can do it all is not a victory. It is unsustainable and harmful.

At that moment, I was grateful to my friend who was sitting with me - who helped me talk it through, make the calls I felt I needed to make, and ordered me another glass of wine. We talked about it and both made commitments to do less superhero cape-wearing and more delegating.

9. Enjoy the time 🥳

As many of us know, work travel is not restful and fun as you’d imagine it to be. The days are full of meetings and evenings with social obligations. However, it is also an opportunity to try new food, visit new places and push yourself out of your comfort zone. So despite the guilt and FOMO of not being at home, it is important to take the extra day or two if there is an opportunity to have a special experience. Adam and I try hard to encourage and remind each other to not let these moments pass us by.

For example, when I went to India a couple of years ago, I took the extra day to explore the markets and temples in the area rather than rush home (picture of me nervously smiling as I’m riding in a rickshaw with my coworker). It’s never easy to do and something I fight the urge to forego every time, but so glad when I don’t and make the effort to stay a little bit longer -especially if I’m in a far away place.

10. Stay Strong 💪🏻

There is no harsher judge of ourselves as mothers than us. If you have a career that requires you to make compromises and sacrifices such as travel or long working hours or whatever else that makes you feel guilty - think about what you can do to manage it. Do right by those who matter most and teach your children that a working mother is someone to respect and look up to.

Whether you need to name it and make a plan with your partner, set the right expectations with your boss, or meditate through it to let it go - I encourage you to figure it out, minimize the guilt, and enjoy the ride.

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It’s the end of April and our entire summer (which by the way is 10 weeks in the Pacific Northwest) is fully booked out. By the numbers, this breaks out to be about two weeks of family vacation and 8 weeks of summer programming. I, along with many fellow parents, have been booking camps and coordinating with fellow parents and neighbors our summer schedule since mid-February.

I am now catching my breath and asking two questions. How did we get here and how do we survive this madness.

Here is what you can expect to get out of this newsletter:

🤦🏼‍♀️ Parents whose kids aren’t YET old enough for summer camps - you will get a preview of what your life will likely entail and you can mentally prepare for what lies ahead. Skip it if you just can’t. I get it.

✌🏻Parents with kids doing summer camps - you will be seen and validated that your craziness is also my craziness. If I missed stuff, please add your experiences and tips in the comments or send me a note. The struggle is real.

🥳 Parents who are past this phase or people without kids - good popcorn post that you can read and feel gratitude that you are past this or will never have to do this.

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When I was growing up, my summers were either living at our “dacha” (summer house in the suburbs of Moscow) with my grandmother or hanging out at home with my sister once we moved to the United States (I was 10 at the time and my sister was 5). I think of these days fondly now but back then, I definitely remember being “bored.” As I’ve written before, there is lots of research confirming that boredom is great for developing an imagination and building resiliency, so I write this as a reminder for us all, that there are many ways for kids to spend a summer. We are all balancing what our families need against the resources that we have and our values.

Fast forward to me now being a parent and Adam and I have made a decision that we will be part of the summer camp madness. Given that we’ve made this decision, we try to optimize to make the most of this path and do it as well as we can manage.

Why camps and not a full-time caregiver at home?

Adam and I are both working full time and do not have family nearby. We are fortunate that we are able to afford camps and believe that our kids will have more enrichment and fun over the summer in activities vs. at home with a nanny.

The biggest trade off that we end up making (other than cost) is that routines are thrown off and there is a different kind of chaos that we manage. Summer camp life means that there is a new schedule every week with mental load to keep everyone organized and getting to the right places on time. In addition there is the emotional complexity of our kids feelings and experiences at camps - sometimes they are great, sometimes they are ok, very rarely they are terrible and you have to make a plan to address the issue.

Are camps about childcare or enrichment?

For our family, it is a little bit of both - as our kids are getting older, we are trying to support their hobbies and find camps that are interesting to them, where they can make or strengthen friendships, or where they are having a new adventure.

If this was strictly about childcare, we would hire either a summer college student or a full time nanny to hang out with them, but we are finding that not work as well as having more structured activities.

So now we ask the questions - how much outdoor and sports time is right, how much do we push our kids to try new things and make new friends, how much do we coordinate camps with school friends and the list of questions goes on.

It is a lot of work to fill 8 weeks of time with activities so my bar is to get it mostly rightly and take notes for the following summer (as well as mark calendars for when the camps my kids liked open registration).

How long do camps last?

This varies greatly. But here are the different types:

Half-day camps - usually 9-12 or 12-4, week long. These are usually for younger kids (under 7) and exmaples include half days of tennis camps, bike camps, yoga camps, outdoor park camps. Many of them have a “full day” option (9-3) When you opt in for those, you really still need access to a fulltime caregiver over the summer to support pick ups, lunch and afternoon activities.

“Most of the day” camps - 10-3pm, 9-3pm. Most of the camps that we’ve been utilizing fall into this category. Gotta love the 10am starts or the 3pm finish times for working parents! Most of these usually last a week but you can sometimes do multiple sessions. For example, we have done theater camps and have at times done two sessions or one longer 2-week session.

Overnight camps - we are just starting to crawl into this category but these can be a week-long to multiple weeks at a time. We are starting with Camp Zanika this year for a week-long camp for both kids.

Where do I find camps?

• Parks and Rec usually put on a lot of summer programming. Their brochures usually come out in March

• Word of mouth - Neighborhood facebook groups and neighbors

• Other places that usually have some kind of camp programming - local gymnastics studio, art museums, and zoos

When do I need to start booking camps?

As mentioned earlier, most camp registrations run from February to April. If you are doing activities throughout the year with this organization, you usually get first dibs on summer camp slots. For example, our kids go to a gymnastics studio, and they got to register for summer camp a week before it was open to general registration. Sometimes you get the same courtesy if you are a returning camper (or at least you are usually on the email list so you may see it in time).

Generally, there are two types of camps - Type A and normal camps.

The Type A camps fill up within a day (sometimes faster). For those, you should mark your calendar and wake up when registration opens to get the spots you want.

I found out the hard way in my area by missing the signs ups for cool outdoor forest camps so then I would know for next year. So ask around which are the camps that fill up really fast ahead of time and act accordingly if you really want to get into one of those.

If that is too much, do not despair as there are plenty of “normal camps” - registration for most opens between mid-February and April and you usually have a few weeks to get your act and schedule together and get a spot. However, it is still helpful to track when registration opens so that you can get your preferred spots and times.

Who does pick up and drop off?

Up until last year, we had a full-time (or close to it) nanny who would do the logistics and driving. [link to nanny post]. This year, we have switched to a part-time nanny/household manager.

Our plan for the summer is to a do a mix of our nanny + Adam and I driving + carpool with neighborhood parents to get kids from point A to point B.

If needed, I will also hire a college student home for the summer

How do I keep track of camp logistics?

End of spring break is usually the time when I start getting organized for summer. The biggest unlock for me is having a shared calendar with all the details - dates, addresses and any other camp notes (like which friend is also doing the camp).

I also use text and WhatsApp groups to coordinte carpools and logisitcs with other parents which is becoming more and more critical as our kids need to be in different places at different times. Both Adam and I are included on these as well as our nanny/household manager so that everyone can stay on the same page with who needs to be where and when.

Other tips:

1. Joint camps for siblings - If possible enroll kids into the same camp to simplify pick-ups and drop offs

2. Early drop offs and late pick ups - The 10-3/9-3 camps often have an option to pay for early drop off and/or late pick up

3. Most camps have some kind of “end of camp” performance - whether it is a show or a bike parade. so plan your schedule accordingly

4. Keep your kids prepared - sunscreen, hat, extra snacks, water, change of clothes, a towel and flip flops are packed for most days my kids are in camp. Getting a sunburn in week 1 makes everyone feel terrible.

5. Increase bath frequency - camps are dirty. So we try to bathe kids more frequently in the summers.

10-day family food challenge 🍱🧀🍳🥕

We had a family goal (part of the 23 for 23 list) to each pick a food we don’t like for 10 days to see what happens. This week we have completed this challenge. For the curious, I picked blue cheese, Adam chose seaweed, our oldest (9-year-old) picked eggs and our youngest (5-year-old) first picked blue cheese, but she liked it too much so she switched to carrots. TL;DR - our oldest still hates eggs though she is willing to eat French toast (yes, that’s basically dessert for breakfast), Adam can now tolerate sushi, carrots were a wild success (but our 5-year-old eats mostly everything) and I can tolerate gorgonzola but not full on blue cheese.

I had two reflections on this experience:

1. Finishing what you started was as important (and at times more so) than the outcome. Adam and I had a chance to model this behavior and show persistence and discipline despite the fact that it wasn’t always convenient or easy to live up to this commitment

2. Our family is a team. Having a challenge united us in a meaningful way. We took pictures of each other eating foods we didn’t like, read the comments on social media of followers of our challenge, and in general, had a great sense of joint purpose.

Friendships and team sports 👯‍♀️🏊🏻‍♀️

My 9-year-old daughter is on a swim team and had a tough practice this week. She had a miscommunication with a teammate and handled it poorly. She felt hurt and betrayed and proceeded to be visibly and audibly upset about this during practice. After the intense emotions of betrayal passed and her friend apologized (she did not realize what was happening), my daughter’s feelings progressed from anger to embarrassment and shame about her outburst. Adam and I have both spent time helping her move forward.

My reflections on this experience

1. Watching my child suffer is worse than any pain that anyone can inflict on me. And yet, as a parent, I had no luxury to take care of my pain as this actually wasn’t about me, but about my daughter. So I comforted her (a hug, a book, and a goodnight's sleep went a long way), and talked about what the appropriate next steps are (should she apologize to her friend - if so how). And then I reached out to my “mom tribe” for support and validation. I had to remind myself that just as my daughter is not alone, I too am not alone.

2. The small things add up and define character in the long term - I know that this incident is small in the grand scheme of things and a swim practice is a “safe place” to learn hard lessons. As a parent though, I wonder how to not miss these teaching moments. In this case, I am preparing myself for the conversation next week on why she needs to stick to her swim team commitment in case she wants to quit because of this event. I know she will persevere and find her way.

As our kids are getting older, I find myself wondering how I model being brave to my kids – in the day-to-day and in the small and big moments.

1) Being a family is a team sport

Whether it is doing a food challenge or going on a family bike ride, it is so clear to me that we are our kids “first team” (Adam has also written about finding your first team at work here). As we succeed and (sometimes) fail together, I want my kids to know that we are on the same side, working through life. I remember this also being true in my childhood - I could always bring my happiness and sadness home and we worked through it together as a family, no matter how awkward and hard that was at times.

2) Are you wanting or are you willing?

When I was frustrated about not losing weight and becoming fitter, my coach used to ask me the above question. I see this with our oldest daughter who thinks she wants to become an Olympic swimmer and yet is slower than many of her teammates – I point out that attending every practice is the one thing in her control and if she is wanting to get better, she needs to be willing to put in the time. Z now goes to every practice she can with much fewer complaints and while she isn’t the fastest kid in her cohort, she is noticing her times consistently improve.

3) If you start, you should finish 

It’s easy to give up when things get hard. So the lesson I teach is that if you pick up an activity, you should see it through the period you signed up for and then decide if you want to keep doing it or not. This so far has applied to gymnastics, swim, sports camps, dance classes and now piano. I listen deeply and carefully to my kids and try to meet them where they are in terms of their interests – but the deal is that when I do, they have to give it their best shot.   

To that end, our youngest decided that piano is not for her, so we found an “end date” that she had to get to before she could stop. For swimming, there is a “de-commit period” every quarter and our daughter has an opportunity to opt-out during that period, but if she decides to stay, then she is committed for that period.

4) Own mistakes, apologize, and model correcting the behavior 

I wish I could maintain the ruse to my children that I am perfect. However, the days are long and I lose my patience and temper like the rest of us. When it happens, my kids are usually visibly shocked and run off crying because they got scolded. I do my best to come back around quickly and give context to why I lost my patience and apologize (if I mean it) and clarify what I’ll do next time to do better.

Just the other day, my oldest daughter was teasing her sister with a new lava lamp that she got - so I asked her sternly to not be mean about it. With a quivering lip, she asked me if I thought she was a mean person. I clarified that she is not a mean person, but at this moment she was acting mean. So we discussed what the difference is between being a mean person and being mean in a moment.

5) Practice self-care and ask for what you need 

Adam and I try to show our children that while they are incredibly important to us and a huge part of our world, we also have needs and hobbies. We actively talk about our interests and make time for those.  Candidly, I have learned how to do this from Adam more than I was ever taught to do this from my upbringing. I have watched our children ask Adam why he is writing (for example) and not spending time with them. He calmly answers that it is because his hobby is important and he will be available to play in x number of minutes after he is done writing.

Asking for what one needs is really hard if you do not train yourself to do it.  So we both try to model this to each other as well as to our kids – actively asking each other what support we need, thus creating the space to work out, write, go out together as well as recharge alone as needed.  I knew that I needed to reach out to a friend to talk about what happened at swim practice last week - and that too is a form of self-care.

I love this quote from Glennon Doyle:  

“There is no greater burden on a child than the unlived life of a parent.” 
― Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Summing it up – a friend once told me that it is a privilege to raise awesome humans. 

That comment stuck with me. Being a parent has taught me more about life than any job I’ve ever had. Every day, good or bad, I have to show up for my kids and put whatever successes or failures from yesterday behind me. I have 2 pairs of eyes watching and learning from me – how to be and not to be.  It is humbling, daunting, and amazing all at the same time.  

Here are some relevant parenting and leadership books:

How do talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber

Raising children other people like to be around by Richard Greenberg

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

Thank you for reading and giving me a voice to share my journey as a parent. If you would like to check out our other writing on parenting, please click here.

One quick reminder, though: While a trip to Disney now requires more planning and hacks for using the Disneyland mobile app than ever, don’t forget to just enjoy the moments and don’t be ruled by the clock or a bucket list of must-dos. The point of planning is to enable you to be more in Kairos time than Chronos time.

🛫Itinerary Summary

A short school week due to teacher in-service days meant we could plan a midweek trip in October (less crowds). 3 days in hotel, 2 days in park and we jointly traveled with another family with same aged kids (5 and 8 year old’s).

• Wednesday: We traveled in the afternoon (watching the 1 hr Disney+ documentary on the making of Disneyland on the plane) and spent the evening poolside at the Grand Californian. Pools and hot tubs were open until 9PM (water slide closes at 6PM) and the grill attached to the pool served dinner – parents were in lounge couches and kids were in pool.

• Thursday: 7AM hotel meet up to take advantage of the 7:30AM-8AM hotel-guests-only time in the park. We hit up Tomorrow Land with that time, then used the Disneyland Railroad train to New Orleans for second breakfast of beignets, spend the rest of the morning in Adventure and Frontier land, mobile ordered lunch at Red Rose, afternoon in Star Wars land & then jumped to Disney California Adventure for the rest of the day at Pixar Pier. It was 90 degrees out, so we needed to cool down with a couple hours of pool time back at hotel. Dinner in Downtown Disney completed the day for the kids. Dads got to go visit the park kid-less for a couple hours after bedtime before park closing at midnight.

• Friday: 9AM Storyteller’s Café breakfast for character meet & greets with Mickey, Pluto, and Minnie. We then met up with our Tour Guide for the day and then hit up Fantasy Land, Rise of the Resistance & Adventure Land before lunch. Our younger kid and mom split off for the makeover process at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique while the rest of the family did Disney California Adventure’s rides like Spiderman & Guardians of the Galaxy & Soaring. Dinner in Cathay Circle and then fireworks show at 9:30PM.

• Saturday: Checkout Day and we visited family in other parts of LA. This was a “just in case” extra day we could have been in park in case we had any travel or weather issues.

🤗 Philosophy: Making Sure Everyone Has Fun (and Helps Others Too)

Our youngest child (5 yrs old) was in transition between the toddler rides (Dumbo, Peter Pan) and being able to do some of the thrill rides (she was eager to do Big Thunder multiple times. Matterhorn and Space Mountain was not fun for her). Loud noises decreased her enjoyment of the ride. Meeting princesses and characters was high on her list.

Our oldest was into the thrill rides that went fast (Big Thunder, Incredicoaster). Jumping scares and ghosts were not her favorite (Indiana Jones and Haunted Mansion). She’s out of the princess meet and greet phase.

Helen loves the shopping and the story-driven rides (Pirates, Jungle Cruise). Adam has a lot of nostalgia from childhood trips and loves a good thrill coaster.

In short, we had some overlap in interests but also things each of us liked. We were traveling with another family who had their own interests as well.

Trips like this are a chance for our kids to learn what type of fun they like but also that the world doesn’t revolve around them. We want everyone in the party to:

• Find and repeat the rides and activities they enjoy. Having opinions and expressing them are important.

• Do a few new things even if they are a bit scared by them. Trying new things is part of travel, even in the Disney bubble.

• Think about others in the family and what they enjoy (including parents!). Be patient, kind, and thoughtful and help others enjoy what they love.

• Count your allowance money on hand ahead of time. Parents will pay for 50% of whatever souvenirs kids wanted – the rest comes from their allowance. Experiencing constraints and making tradeoffs is part of growing up.

Our net result is that we spend most of the days together, but found it useful to have 2 hours or so where our youngest daughter split off from the rest of the group with a parent. We also had time after kids were in bed where adults went back to the park (this time it was the dads who went out).

🏨 Hotel: Disney’s Grand Californian Hotel

Advantages: Stunning lobby areas with plenty of room to hang out, pool area with water slide and hot tubs, closest hotel to parks and it’s simple to return to hotel for midday breaks or put our name down for dinner in Downtown Disney and return to pool, early entry to parks (either park 30 mins before opening),

Cons: Cost: $7365, which included 3 days hotel and 2 days in park and Genie+. Yikes! A few things that increased costs for us:

• We got a 1-bedroom suite, which increased the cost by a huge amount. This enabled a King bed for us as parents, a pullout for oldest, and a roll away for youngest. The roll away must be requested upon check-in and is only available if you book a suite. They only had two queens available for our first night, so we did a room swap after the first day, which was easy/seamless. Overall, we might ditch the suite if we did this again – it was very nice to have, but ROI for $$ was off in hindsight.

• We could have checked our bags and saved a night of hotel by leaving after firework on Friday. We opted instead to stay for extra day, partly to also have a backup due to all the travel and weather unknowns that were persistent in 2022.

• This particular date was more expensive than those around it by 10% or so, but we were committed to it because of the teacher in-service days.

Other pro-tips on hotel:

• If you end up buying stuff – like Minnie Mouse ears (a family favorite), it’s convenient to have a Disney sanctioned shop on property to then be able to return things in it that were purchased on Disney properties.

• There are lots of Disney channels on the TV in the room with all the Disney content you could imagine – you can also Chromecast your Netflix, Hulu, (etc.) content.

• It was relatively easy (at least on Wednesday) to get a table by the pool and order food – helped us on our first evening to get settled.

🤵Guided Tour

We had heard about the famed “VIP Guided Tour” experience and decided to book it this time, in part because of the lack of travel spend these past couple years with COVID lockdowns meant that 2022 was a splurge year for us. While expensive, it was overall less expensive than our three nights of hotel and one way of thinking about it is that it adds about 17% to the cost of the trip.

The primary benefit is only partly about getting to do more rides and avoid lines. On Day 1 without the guide, we averaged 2 rides/hr after subtracting out food times et cetera. With the guide, it was 2.6 rides/hr. So it’s more about the experience itself – being able to live more in the moment and not ruled by the clock. You don’t need to be constantly on the phone booking things and optimizing the day to avoid 30-, 60-, or 90-minute queues and the day can be more whatever the mood strikes vs. what’s available.

If you are thinking about doing it, here is all that we learned:

What’s the experience like? Beyond ride access, discussed below, our guide was an awesome partner for the day. She told us the story behind each ride, history of the park, helped the kids find Hidden Mickeys, and engaged in a bunch of great conversations about her job, the park, shops, “behind the scenes” questions, et cetera. She also is good friends with many of the ride operators and it feels like you are being welcomed by friends to each ride. Overall, she can make the day smoother as well, for example: a) she was able to talk to the staff at a restaurant and move up our mobile orders to a more convenient time b) when our youngest needed to go to the bathroom when we were about to get on a ride, she was able to take her through various side doors with the ride operators quickly.

Who are these guides? There are about 140 tour guides, and they average about 40 tours/day. Our guide has been a guide for 6 years and is married to another guide who has been doing it for over 10. She had a cell phone with her (the only cast members to have them) and is communicating behind the scenes with folks who help directs tours to right place and she can check on ride operations/et cetera. They have a Slack channel to discuss best practices and also an external Facebook group that includes tour operators in Florida, too. Tour guides must work in Guest Relations before becoming guides.

What’s the booking process? We booked 6 months in advance. Our guide said they tend to fill up at least 2 months in advance. We booked 2 days of tours and then cancelled one of the days a couple weeks ahead of time, upon the advice of the booking agent. It’s not clear what events will be going on each day until you get closer and their 48-hour cancellation policy makes it easy to over book and then cancel. The only gotcha is that they will cancel any dining reservations they made for you if you cancel the tour that day.

Who does this? A good chunk of their business is external bookings like us (they apparently get about one Microsoftie/month) but they also do a fair amount of internal business – a perk for Disney executives or company partners. For example, a part of the contract for actors on some Disney’s produced TV shows is 1 VIP tour/year or something. There is a separate tour operation for celebrities/politicians who need security.

What’s the cost and length of the tour? It’s a 7 hour minimum at $700/hr so $4900 + guide tip (Bring cash for the tip. Appropriate tip is somewhere between $100 and $50/guest in your party). You can have up to 10 people in the party – same cost regardless of party size – so we split this cost across two families. We started at 10AM and extended by an extra hour to 6PM, which gave us a full day with the guide and 1 hour of downtime before our 7PM dinner. And we got to sleep in without worrying about hitting the park before crowds. You decide in the moment how long to go past the minimum with the guide depending on how it’s going. The guide can also get you some Lightening Lane passes for the rest of the day after the tour ends.

When to do it? Since we have been to Disneyland before, we made a good decision to book the tour for the 2nd day in the park and not the first. It enabled us to not feel bad about skipping something on the first day and gave us a better sense of where to spend time while “on tour.” If this is your very first time to Disneyland, doing the tour on the first day might be the better option.

How does ride access work? For anything with Lightning Lane, you join that queue. So 5-15 mins wait times and the guide had a good talk track for each line with history and backstory. You can do any ride as many times as you want except Rise of the Resistance, which is just once/day given its popularity right now. If you have multiple age groups or ride interests in your party, you can split the group into two assuming the two rides are close together (officially they don’t promise that, but if you build rapport with your guide then it’s easy…she takes one group to the Lightening Lane for first ride and then joins 2nd group). For anything without Lightning Lane, it’s a shorter wait as they have entry points right before you get on the ride. Overall, these methods are perfect for anyone looking to just truly enjoy the day at the park and remove worry/stress. There is some online chatter that “for that much money, there better be no lines” -> that sort of entitlement/expectations isn’t what the tour process is about and don’t go in with those expectations.

How do you partner with your guide? How do you manage this privilege with your kids, so they don’t feel entitled? We built a relationship with our guide, being curious about her life/job and thankful for the help. We offered to pay for her food (although she gets food for free so that wasn’t necessary). We also encouraged the kids to ask questions about the park to her and treat her as another family member for the day. It was fun to watch our oldest get in a very involved conversation with her about what souvenir she should use her allowance on. The guide is also a visible representative of the company – our guide was constantly asked directional questions by other guests as we walked around, and she paused to help a ride load wheelchair-bound people when it was busy. We got the impression that she deals with a lot of people who feel more entitled – she even told horror stories of being called a “slave for the day” by her guests or kids who “just wanted to know where VIP line was.” Yuck. I’m sure her job is to make everyone feel special, yet she seemed to really appreciate us as guests and that led to her going the extra mile for us and I think fostering that human connection helped us feel better about letting our kids experience this privilege.

Did you use the pre-bookings that the tour offers? There is a whole VIP Tour Back office that helps you schedule the day. They can buy your tickets and book dining ahead of time. This was one part of the well-oiled machine that didn’t work out too well for us. Lots of email traffic back and forth and they several times booked dining on the wrong day or forgot to book something despite promising to until I followed up. On the flip side, they surprised us with a private room at Cathay Circle for dinner, which we were not expecting and I guess shows the special access they have. But net net, I might suggest booking your own dining/tickets rather than relying on the tour office.

The best way to work with the tour office is by email and phone:

👸 Experience Recommendation: Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique

Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique at Disneyland inside the magic castle was a big hit for the 5 year old. We ended up booking last minute (because there was a cancellation) and it is a magical transformation experience where a Fairy Godmother’s apprentice transforms a child into a prince or princess.

You can pick a package anywhere from $110-500 that includes options like a dress, accessories, hair, light make up, a photoshoot, etc. It takes about an hour. Optimal age is 4-6. Anything younger, and it’s hard for a kid to sit through it.

The dresses are a step up from the Disney store ones -if you (or your child is into that, then it’s worth it, otherwise you can bring your own dress and just do the make over package without the dress).

🍨 Food

Here are a few things we learned about food:

• Favorite Breakfast: Starbucks in Downtown Disney, right next to hotel on way into Disneyland, does Starbucks mobile order. Order 30 mins ahead of time.

• Favorite 2nd Breakfast: Mobile order beignets in New Orleans square.

• Lunch Logistics: Mobile ordering lunch and snacks on the Disneyland app is key. Order lunch at around 10AM for a noon pickup.

• Favorite Dessert: Carabelle’s Ice Cream in DCA was a highlight snack, including custom-dipped ice cream bars.

• Dinner away from crowds: We were in a private room at Cathay Circle in DCA for our second night. It was nice to get away from the bustle of humanity. It was a two-hour affair from start to finish.

• Arrival meal: Poolside grill in the Disney’s Grand California worked well for arriving night meal. Kids were in swimsuits and swimming while waiting for food to arrive. Parents were in lounge couches.

🎢 Rides

• Genie+ is of course key for day we didn’t have a guide. It will increase average rides/hours from 1 ride/hour to 2 rides/hour. You shouldn’t bother using it until about 9AM-10AM. You can only use Genie+ on each ride once per day, so it’s a “waste” until the park fills up. But it’s generally possible to do only Lightening Lane rides, booking one after the other, until about 3PM or so. After 3PM, it tends to get a bit harder to find rides without LL windows that are 3-4 hours/away.

• Soaring over the World is a rare ride that pleases everyone – young kids who don’t want scares but older kids who need the thrills.

• Astro Blasters in Tomorrow Land was a good starter ride for Day 1 -> it has a game component, isn’t loud, and doesn’t have thrills/scares.

• Big Thunder is a great introduction to thrill rides for 5 year old’s. It is the most mild of the coasters.

• Day 1 Ride Count/Ordering: Astro Blasters, Star Tours, Space Mountain, Autotopia, Disneyland RR, Haunted Mansion, Splash Mountain, Big Thunder, Teacups, Matterhorn, (Lunch), Carousel, Royal Hall, Millennium Falcon, Incredicoaster, Toy Story Mania, Inside Out Balloons, Goofy’s Sky School (5PM). Late night park adults only: Star Tours, Indiana Jones, Splash Mountain (20 rides total over 9 hours)

• Day 2 Ride Count/Ordering (with guide): Peter Pan, Dumbo, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, Big Thunder, Rise of the Resistance, Splash Mountain, Winnie the Pooh (Lunch), Pirates of the Caribbean, Indiana Jones, Tiki Room, Jungle Cruise, Spiderman’s Webslinger, Soaring over the World, Incredicoaster, Toy Story Carousel, Toy Story Mania, Guardian of the Galaxy (17 rides total over 6.5 hours).

💸 Costs

We almost didn’t include this section because it can be strange to discuss costs and personal situations greatly vary – but we ended up deciding it might help someone plan and make tradeoffs:

We could have cut the hotel bill almost in half with a better room config and/or not staying the final night. And the tour guide was a “revenge travel” splurge.

Wrapping Up

Hope this guide is useful! If you end up using it for your trip, drop us a line at mindthebeet@gmail.com.

As a parent myself now, I look back with a bit of amazement at the important and hands-off role my parents played in sparking that interest. As the son of a dentist and a teacher, I was given a computer and told to explore. It lived in my room. I was made the expert. It was my playground to expand my horizons. What a gift. (Oh, and Happy Birthday, Mom! Love you!)

Fast Forward to the 2020’s

Today the world is a bit more complex. The Internet’s been around for a bit. What the Next Big Thing might be is a bit of a judgment call. And tech’s impact is far from 100% positive (don’t think we’ll be letting our kids have a computer alone in their room anytime soon). And what was novel and created awe-inspiring amazement is now just commonplace in our digital lives.

That’s why I was so intrigued earlier this year when I saw the launch of the emerging category of AI-generated artwork. DALL-E, Midjourney, and Stable Diffusion exceeded my expectations and sparked my imagination for what technology could accomplish more so than anything I had seen in years. There was the world before I knew this was possible, and now after. It was unambiguously Frikin’ Cool.

For those that aren’t familiar with it, all three of these tools are based upon the same large language models that power text generation and speech capture. They take a text prompt and can generate a picture about anything you can dream up:

As a writer, I have more creative ideas for visuals than I have the talent to produce. So this technology is a particular gift in that it felt like it filled a creative niche in my life. Perhaps now I could envision myself not only writing but also producing the art for a children’s book.

Down The Rabbit Hole

I’ve been meaning to spend serious time playing around with the tech. I had used it to generate some artwork for a slide deck at work, but I wanted to sit down and get comfortable with it. I chose to use Dream Studio, based upon Stable Diffusion, mainly because it’s available without any waitlist.

I decided to take my kids - 5 and 8 - along with me on this journey. Perhaps predictably, this turned into a stress test of how well the AI knew about rainbows and various mythical creatures. I can confirm, gentle reader, that clearly these AI tools did include My Little Pony in their training set (look at those Cutie Marks!).

Without further preamble, here are the results we are most proud of:

Thoughts On The Experiment

It was rejuvenating to explore a new passion with my kids. So much of what we do with our kids is confined to the safe place of activities where we know the expected result ahead of time: we are teaching kids things we already know. This was different.

I was worried that I’d be teaching my kids to love “shortcuts” in life: instead of doing the hard work of a hand-drawn painting, just get a computer to do it for you. It didn’t work out like that. Our 8-year-old decided that she really wanted to have one wall dedicated to the artwork she drew herself and another wall for what she calls the “computer dreaming stuff.” And it seems to have sparked her interest: at her request, we’ve returned several nights in a row to generate more art for her wall together and she’s been thinking about various prompts and ways to work the tool to get what she thinks up in her head.

I’ve attempted to get our kids into programming or Minecraft or other forms of creation and creativity with computers; this is the first thing that stuck. Being so visual helped. So did immediate time to value. It’s led to fun conversations about what is art, who owns art, and how unique a piece of art is when it’s created for the very first time.

I regret how involved I needed to be - unlike with my own journey with computers, I as the parent was the facilitator here. It’s not yet unbounded creative explorations for my kids. This inspires me to figure out how to build on this passion and give my kids the freedom to feel like the owners and experts.

Wrapping Up: Bloopers

Lest you think what you are seeing on Instagram and in this post is the norm, the AI is far from perfect. It often needs refinement and you can see emerging behaviors here on the new way you need to “program” your requests.

Social context matters a lot, too. Despite our best efforts, we just could not get Dream Studio to give us a good picture of a unicorn answering a banana phone. ​🤷‍♀️​

Thanks for reading! And hey, drop us a line (you can reply to this mail) of what you’d like to see more of on Mind The Beet. What posts have been your favorite? What did you wish we wrote about?

As we were moving toward this phase in August, Adam and I talked a lot about what kind of support we think we need during this new phase. One thing that has remained clear since we’ve had children, was that we are at our best when we scale with help. Another thing that we are seeing is that our children’s needs are also changing (from the early stages when we needed a nurturer, to now a later stage where we need a role model and a calm influencer)

Here were the options we considered:

1. Hire (again) a full-time nanny + household manager for 35-40 hours a week

   1. Pros: this would be the most reliable choice because full time care means that any time kids are sick or have teacher development days, we have childcare and don’t have to scramble. Another big plus is having morning help to help us all get out the door and enable us to start our day earlier.

   2. Cons: Cost as well as the ability to find someone who is as interested in doing household management but still warm and has the right energy with our kids. Those candidates exist, but my expectations were very high.

2. Hire a college student to do pick up after school only - 10-15 hours a week

   1. Pros: low cost as well as fun for the kids as we are seeing how much they are starting to relate to people in the 16-25 age range and enjoy their company

   2. Cons: would need to augment with household help so adds to the number of people that I need to manage plus lack of morning support

3. Hire part-time nanny + household assistant and split the difference - 20-25 hours a week

   1. Pros: Childcare coverage for after school as well as enough hours to do household support such as laundry, shopping, and keeping the house organized with a few special projects

   2. Cons: Lack of morning support, as well as a higher potential for this to not work out since this person would likely either have another job that they are supplementing this one with or this, is an optional opportunity

4. No care at all or after-school programming - 0 paid hours

   1. Pros: Cost

   2. Cons: All of the above, plus additional logistics for us to manage. With Helen’s travel schedule, this option is really a last resort or a temporary solution as we need help to scale

We went with option 3 (augmented with a virtual personal assistant service via Yohana) and have followed much of our playbook for hiring a nanny as outlined below. We found a wonderful candidate through a Facebook nanny group and are excited about what this year will bring.

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This is an edited repost from 2021 with advice on how to hire a nanny and/or household manager for your family with relevant templates and links.

Key Resources:

Sample nanny job description & interview questions (updated to include household manager job description)

Sample nanny contract

A nurse, a financial analyst, and a tech translator walk into a room…and one may wonder what they all have in common. As it turns out, all three of these women nannied our children anywhere from 6 months to 4 years.

Over the past 8+ years, we have welcomed 6 nannies into our home, grown with them, loved them, parted with them, and started the process anew. While for us, as parents, our families’ livelihood was of paramount importance, we also quickly understood just how important our nanny’s satisfaction and growth were as well. So being a good nanny household has meant to us that we support our nannies in their hopes and dreams as much as they support our children’s aspirations. And when we achieve that balance, our household hums with harmony.

So this is a post on how we’ve thought about childcare in our house and we’ve added resources that we’ve created over the years as a reference.  

Why 1:1 Nanny care

We opted to go for 1:1 care, deciding that flexibility in the mornings and evenings, sick day support, and help around the household were the most important factors for our sanity. After consulting our pediatrician, we were also assured that socialization is not crucial until age 3 and we opted to enroll our kids into a variety of community center classes to ensure they knew how to be around other kids without needing to go down the path of a childcare center.   

Hiring a nanny

📃 As with any hiring, write your job description and identify what is most important to you (link to sample). For us, it was reliability, warmth/love of children, and household support. For the first few years, we also had a language requirement - we wanted our nanny to speak Russian. We also willingly traded an early educational background for warmth toward kids.

We had some baseline requirements - had to have a car, a clean driving record, and a background check. Over the years, some of these have shifted and adjusted (for example, we dropped the language piece) and lightened the household management stuff, but some requirements got more stringent – such as high energy with kids. As we now have school-aged children, the household requirements are back in full force as well as a new requirement of having a calm demeanor and being a positive influence and a role model for our children.

🔍 Cast a wide net - tell everyone you are looking. Friends, other parents, co-workers, your neighbors, past babysitters, etc..

Free options: internal company boards (if available), local Facebook groups, NextDoor, and Craigslist.

Low-cost online sites: www.care.com, www.sittercity.com are the ones we’ve used in the past (~$10-$30/month). Overall, using these services requires a lot of screening work on your part (same with free Facebook/NextDoor postings) as the top of the funnel is wide.

Medium cost – au pair: If you have a good setup and your hours are manageable, then there is also the au pair path, which I have also explored but have yet to pursue. An au pair is usually an exchange young graduate from another country whom you provide room and board for and they take care of your children and receive a stipend from the agency. Agency we’ve used in the past is https://culturalcare.com. Currently, the program is in a bit of disarray due to immigration policy complications.- https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/25/business/the-great-au-pair-rush.html

Most expensive options -  Childcare agencies: This last year, we finally explored the world of agencies - the big plus of the agency is that you get a list of higher qualified leads, the agency manages interview logistics, helps with interview questions, runs a background check, and gets you references. Also, the nanny comes with some guarantees for a replacement. The downside is cost (you are looking at anywhere from $5K-$10K for a placement). Overall, nannies using agencies for placement usually work with multiple, so the candidate pool is similar across, so I would compare the fee structure when deciding. We have recently had success with Annie’s Nannies - this agency stood out as compared to others we’ve tried because of a pro-parent approach (other agencies are often run by former nannies, which didn’t lend them to be as empathetic toward parents) as well as a great return package. So when I was looking for a replacement, Annie’s waved the onboarding fee as well as offered a discount on the finder’s fee.

We have hired 1 nanny (the longest tenure of 4 years) from an internal company list, 3 from Facebook, 1 from word of mouth, and 2 from SitterCity, and 1 from Annie’s Nannies.

📱 Interview + trial run - We recommend interviewing as many nannies as you can, especially if you are just starting out (Link to starter list of questions here). Before COVID, we would do a phone screen, then an in-person meeting, and then a babysitting trial. Post-COVID, and how we plan to do this in the future - email screen, then do a video chat for 30-45 minutes. If that goes well, meet the kids.

If kids are older, then the in-person with the kids becomes an on-the-job interview - ours lasts an hour with a 15 min meet and greet; 30-minute interaction with the kids (ideally they bring an activity to do or you lay one out for them) and a 15-minute closure with any lingering questions.

If you have small kids that can’t interact yet, we would still recommend watching how they work with the baby for 30 minutes - playing, feeding, changing, etc.

Notes we take during the interview:

a.      Do the candidates have good questions for me, for example, what are the kids like, what is my philosophy to discipline, play, etc.

b.     Does this candidate have the potential to be with us long-term or this is a clear stepping stone to something else – we no longer think of a long-term commitment as a requirement, but we want to know if a nanny plans to leave in 3 months to start school elsewhere

c.      What are their other obligations – kids at home, evening classes, other jobs, etc.

d.     And most importantly, is there a connection with this person – would we invite them to the Thanksgiving table – this isn’t a must by any stretch, but the nanny role straddles an employee and a family member, so hiring someone you enjoy to be around and your kids want to be with is really helpful

⚖ Contract and background/reference checks

A nanny is your employee (and also an extended household/family member). So for us, a contract has been a really good way to spell out expectations (a throwback to our roommate contracts when we lived in the dorms at UCLA). We have slightly edited the contract over the years as our needs changed, but it’s stayed 90% consistent. Link to a template here.

We also always do a background check – we use Seattle Nanny Background Checks and check at least 2 references. The information from the background check is for peace of mind and the reference checks are where you can get to talk to another parent and get their perspective on strengths and weaknesses.

💰Incentives  

Just as our workplace is responsible for our financial wellbeing, being an employer to a nanny means that we are responsible for their livelihood. So we have done our best to not just offer the bare minimum standard but to be an excellent place to work for our nannies. Below has been our approach:  

Guaranteed hours – this means that you guarantee a fixed # of hours a week, even if you don’t use them all. This means that if we leave town early for the weekend or take a day off, the nanny still gets paid. Nannies rely on this income to pay bills, so having predictability is really important.  

Paid holidays –all federal holidays are off for the nanny – we are fortunate to work for large companies where we get these days off so we have always passed on that benefit as well.  

Vacation & sick leave – standard practice is you pick one week and the nanny picks one week. We vacation more than 2 weeks a year, so we end up coordinating our vacations so our nanny gets paid for all of that time off. We offer 3 sick days a year and also don’t expect the nanny to come in on snow days (especially if schools are closed).  

Bonus and pay raise – we want our nanny to feel appreciated and not choose a different family. So for us, we alternate a pay raise with a bonus every 6 months and that has worked out really well

Niceties: birthday gift, holiday gift (or bonus as part of the above), a day off on a birthday, etc. are not expected but always appreciated 

We use a payroll service (https://www.care.com/homepay) to manage logistics. It costs about an extra $1000 a year, but they take care of direct deposits, and withholding taxes and provide all the tax forms as well as employment forms. Additionally, they are a great resource for advice on local state laws on ensuring you are staying within your regulations for hiring a nanny. You can definitely do this on your own, but we have found the payroll service to be worth the cost.

⚙Nanny’s first day and set up

Think of your nanny’s first day the same way as you’d think about orientation at work. One of us (Helen) takes half a day off to help the nanny get started.

So on day 1, we show them the house and our routine - try not to rush this part and just be there for the nanny to ensure all her questions get answered. We have an emergency sheet that hangs on the wall with our contact info, address, doctor name, and emergency contact just in case. This is also the day we set up payroll.  

When our kids were younger, we asked our nannies to keep a journal where they logged her hours as well as kids’ activities –including an outing, stool frequency, nap times, and feeding times/amounts.

We also have a WhatsApp group and ask the nanny to send regular pictures/updates there and we use it to communicate through the day – both on logistics as well as questions. For the first few days, we debrief every day and eventually move to a debrief to be once a week.

As schedules for older kids/activities fill up, we have found having a calendar (electronic or paper) handy so that everyone is on the same page on what needs to be done and in addition, the nanny fills out a Google doc where we track any mileage or extra expenses.

👋Parting with a nanny

Hiring a nanny is in many ways similar to hiring an employee, but since this is about your family, the stakes feel higher. You will know if you have made a great hire and you will also know if things are not quite right. Unfortunately, it’s hard to sever ties if things are not egregiously terrible. In these rare circumstances, we try to first offer feedback and re-set expectations, but if that doesn’t work, it is time to say goodbye. If you can afford to wait, then I recommend finding and hiring a new nanny before letting your existing one go.   

If you are parting ways after things did not work out: do it in a public place and keep it professional. After that, change your locks and any passcodes on your doors/garage codes to be on the safe side.

Telling the kids: The first time we had to tell the kids that their nanny was leaving (a beloved nanny of 4 years) I was super nervous about how they’ll take it. As it turns out, kids wanted answers to questions like “who will play with me and who will make me lunch.”  Lesson learned – kids are resilient and as long as their immediate needs are met, they look forward to their next nanny/companion.

🎁Giving back:

We are quite content with the fact that over half of our nannies have left us to pursue their career aspirations (in nursing, finance, and in tech). In every case, we have been their references, gave them time to interview for these jobs, and supported them in finding their footing acting as an ally (especially as many of these women were immigrants). And these women have stayed in our kids’ lives even after they’ve stopped being employed by us making their lives richer and more interesting. The nannies have also helped us transition our kids from one set of care to another (from full-time nanny care, to part-time preschool and then to elementary school) and we are forever grateful for their contribution to our children’s lives.

This has taught us that the domestic worker industry is as complex and nuanced as any other and childcare also comes in many forms (in-home care, preschools, public schools, etc.). Here are the ways we support the childcare industry:

Lake Washington School Foundation – The Lake Washington Schools Foundation gathers and deploys community resources to enhance academic access and nurture all students’ emotional wellbeing.

National Domestic Workers Alliance – this is a political action committee that helps domestic workers organize and fight for their rights. It is pretty eye-opening to know how many nannies are not treated with dignity.  

Good luck on your journey and we hope this write-up helps.