👋🏻 Helen here with our weekly Mind the Beet newsletter. Adam and I share our slice of life in this newsletter, covering career, product, parenting, and life. This week’s post falls into the latter categor,y and I am grateful to have this space to share my reflections.
My maternal grandmother passed away last week. She was a force of nature. At 95, the matriarch of our family is survived by two daughters, four granddaughters, and eight great-grandkids. She lived a complex and full life. Born in 1930, at the age of 10, she lost her parents and sister to the Nazis while she was fortuitously vacationing in Moscow. She lost her husband to brain cancer when she was in her mid-40s, and she agreed to move to another country as an immigrant in her 60s to be with her kids and grandkids.
My grandmother taught me lessons my whole life - quietly, steadily, and stoically. Here are the ones I will remember:
Stand on your own two feet - she had no choice but to be self-sufficient from an early age. Her lesson to me is to know how to survive independently. She believed in education, in resourcefulness, and in hard work. She was furious that her daughters dissuaded her from getting a car in her late 60s when she moved to the US because that stifled her independence. When needing to choose if she was going to live on the East Coast or the West Coast (having daughters in both places), she chose the East Coast because public transportation was better and she did not want to be overly reliant on others.
Prioritize your health - going hand in hand with being self-sufficient, she always reminded me that taking care of yourself is important and no one but me will prioritize that. She was not shy to point out when she thought I wasn’t looking “good” - whether I had black circles under my eyes or gained weight or just looked tired - she always asked. I used to find that obnoxious, but I also knew that she was always watching me and she cared.
Always look the part - my grandma was always impeccably dressed - not flashy, but items that flattered her figure, high quality and met the moment. Her hair was always done, her manicure and pedicure in place and her closet complete (not abundant). She complimented me when I dressed well and pointed out when an outfit was not fit for the occasion.
Be happy to hear from people - Whenever I called or visited my grandma, she was always happy to hear and see me. No guilt trips, no exclamations of “I wish you called more” or did more. She was just happy to hear my voice. I’ll miss her big enveloping hugs and her booming voice.
Give memorable gifts - my grandmother believed that there is nothing more important than education. Throughout her life, she has contributed to her kids' education funds and ensured every great-grandchild had access to a musical instrument. We have a piano in our home because of her, as do the rest of her granddaughters.
Foster relationships that matter - She loved it when we got together as a whole family - we are a loud and boisterous bunch and we don’t always all get along. But seeing everyone together brought her joy. Over the years, the family grew and the conversation at the table got mixed - across Russian and English. And yet, she held presence at the head of the table - listening and observing.
Know where you come from - my family is Russian Jewish with a long history of surviving persecution as Jews, Soviet-era atrocities and immigration. She carried these things not as a burden but as knowledge of where you’ve been and where you are going. Always striving for a better life and honoring the past.
State your truth - my grandma said all sorts of things throughout my life that I did not want to hear. But what I always knew that she said what she meant and meant what she said. No empty platitudes, no empty promises - just things she believed to be true and that needed to be said.
Travel - while Soviet Russia did not really allow for travel, after my grandmother came to the US, she traveled as much as she could. Between the ages of 65 and 85, she went to Israel, Europe, China, and South America. She was bummed that she didn’t make it to Australia and New Zealand.
Drive your agenda - my grandma always had a goal and she was going to achieve what she wanted. Never a victim of her circumstances but a careful orchestrator of her life and a matriarch of our family. She never gave up, always looked forward to the next thing and had a why behind her actions. True to her last moments - she wanted to die in her own bed, with dignity, surrounded by her family - and that is how exactly what she did.
In the Jewish tradition, people say “may her memory be a blessing.” Her memory is the biggest blessing. I am honored to be her granddaughter and carry her lessons and spirit with me.