What to Do When Someone Cries at Work

Safe place for tears

I sometimes cry at work. And I’m not talking about life altering moments of being laid off or being diagnosed with a terminal disease. For me, crying is a means to express emotions - sometimes it’s anger and frustration but at other times it can be happiness, fear, surprise, etc. The question I would pose is, why is it ok to inject anger at work, by raising your voice, but not to show vulnerability?

I have been lucky to have managers who made space for me to bring my whole self to work and since I’ve started coaching and advising, I’ve seen that not everyone has been so lucky. So whether you are a manager, a friend or a peer to those who find themselves shed tears in front of you, this post will help you navigate those moments. Please share this with anyone else who may find it useful.

Dear Manager,

I’m so excited that I have joined your organization. I am a servant leader and will move mountains for the business, for you as a leader and for the team you hired me to manage. I will deliver results and will do it with pride, energy and enthusiasm.

You need to know, though, as we work together, that there will come a time when I will cry in front of you or you’ll notice that I have been crying. As a redhead with very fair skin, it’s tough for me to physically conceal the redness in my face and the swollen eyes. Extra makeup just makes it worse. Believe me, I’ve tried.

I want you to know that I would give a lot to not cry at work and be able to contain it. I have been working on this for years and while it has definitely lessened with time, sometimes this will happen and here are some common reasons:

1. Work-related frustration: I care a lot about my work, and if it’s not going well, my frustration can evolve to tears. The kindest thing one of my previous managers has said to me is, “I know you cry because you care a lot. So please don’t stop caring.”

   1. What to do: Listen and ask if I’d like help troubleshooting or just need to vent. Be on my side and keep me accountable if it’s a deadline that I have slipped or not delivered on.

   2. Ask questions like “What help do you need?” and “What can I do to support you?”

2. Positive feedback - During reviews - when you give me praise, I may tear up. I am my own harshest critic and when you take the time to see me, I sometimes get moved to tears. Please don’t take that to mean you shouldn’t give me praise.

   1. What to do: Nothing in the moment. But if I am starved for positive feedback, reflect if you can dole it out more often in smaller moments.

3. I need to give you (my manager feedback) - You and I may have had an interaction that I have been noodling on and we need to talk through. It’s hard for me to give my manager feedback about something that impacted me (much easier if it’s about my team or someone else needing help) and despite my best preparations, tears may come.

   1. What to do: Get curious and stay calm. Agree where you can and share a different perspective as appropriate. Thank me for giving you feedback no matter how good or bad it was. This is an effective way to promote a culture of openness in the workplace.

   2. Ask questions like: “Tell me more.” and “Can you give me an example?”

4. Sometimes things at home are hard - sleepless night with a sick kid, a disagreement with my husband, etc.

   1. What to do: Get curious about what I need in this moment. I may be seeking work as a place to focus on work and not what’s going on at home. Or I may need to go home to take care of my child, parent, husband, friend. I once had a manager who saw that I was teetering on the verge of tears and when she learned that I had sick kids at home and haven’t slept for two nights. She sent me home for the day. I’ll never forget the grace that she gave me that day. Sometimes I forget that work can wait for a day.

   2. Ask questions like: What can I do to support you right now?

If you are new to being a manager or to people crying in front of you, here are some general tips:

1. Please stop yourself when you start saying “Oh my god, what’s wrong? Did I make you cry?” or “Please don’t cry, I don’t know how to deal with that.” - This moment is not about you. It is about a deeply vulnerable and personal opening that you are witnessing. Instead try: “What is behind your tears?” A head-on question with no judgment will move this situation forward or let the cryer say “I can’t talk about this right now.”

2. If you see that I am continuing to cry and can’t quite stop yet - insert a break. If in person, say you will go get a box of kleenex (even if you have one, keep it away in a drawer for this exact reason). If the meeting is online, excuse yourself to go get something in another room. The few minutes alone, help me take a few breaths and get re-centered.

3. After the moment has passed, come back to this situation - later that day or the next day and check in. Knowing that my manager cared enough to check in makes the workplace more human.

Thank you in advance for your understanding,

Helen

If you are interested in additional materials for managers, check out these articles from the archives:

1. Getting your first manager job

2. A Day in the Life of a Frontline Manager

3. Burnout and Boredom: A Manager’s Pandemic Retrospective on Mental Health

4. How I advocate for my people

5. What being a parent teaches me about work

6. How I lead when the world is uncertain